I know I've been quiet lately, but it's been a pretty low-key Summer. We've spent a lot of time together. Tayler has been in therapy once a week (which she loves.) As soon as we walk in the building, she knows exactly what room to go to now. It's become a great, consistent routine for her.
I recently applied to go back to school for my ABA Certification and I was accepted, so I have slooooowly been working through my first class. It is so much information to take in. Some nights I feel like my head is spinning. Especially with the discussion of positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment, and negative punishment, but I am getting there.. little by little. I just keep telling myself it will be worth it-- especially when I'm able to finally stop doing photography (even though it's my passion) and focus on helping her! I really want to start working with her and applying these new skills, but I feel so burdened down with other things right now. I am ready to have more free time to focus on her...
And in other big news..
We enrolled Tayler in preschool.
And I am a bundle of emotions because of it.
Do you know what it feels like to have your heart walking around outside of your chest?? My kids are each individual heart beats... and do you know how it feels to walk your heart beat to the door and just leave it?
Now, let me be honest, we have an amazing support system. Her teachers, behavior itinerants, etc. are wonderful. They have had nothing but good things to say about the classroom and their routine. They seem positive and upbeat knowing that Tayler is entering their classroom. That isn't the problem. I'm not worried about trust or worried about Tayler's well-being whatsoever.
What I am worried about is how she will do-- plain and simple. Tayler struggles with simple things-- talking, sitting still, following commands, making friends. What happens when she doesn't follow an order? What happens when she has a meltdown? What happens if she refuses to listen? What happens if she doesn't sit still during their class time? What happens when people begin getting frustrated with her? She requires so much patience.
We had a meeting tonight and I just feel a mess after. Everyone is wonderful from the school-- it's my own worries and burdens I can't shake.
I get so angry in these situations.
Not with Tayler.
I get angry with God. And please know that I'm speaking with an open heart here. If you haven't ever been angry with God, I commend you. I'm just raw and honest when it comes with this stuff. I hear my daughter scream through a screening. I watch her struggle to sit still. I watch her get nervous. I watch her obsess over colors. (And note, I'm not saying she's stuck in this 'world' she's in. I'm just saying I am currently observing her actions.) And I get so mad at God. I found myself sitting in the van on the ride home tonight thinking, 'Why? Why on earth would you want a 4-year to struggle? Why would you want to make it hard on her to make friends? Why would you want to make my heart shatter in to a million pieces over and over again? Why would you want to see me cry myself to sleep some nights when I think about the future?"
And I know that there's a reason for everything, but sometimes a mom of a special needs child doesn't need to hear that because quite frankly, it just makes things worse sometimes.
Sometimes I just need to be mad.
It doesn't mean I don't love God. It doesn't mean I don't trust Him.
It just means I'm angry.. frustrated.. and upset with Him.
I'm not a doom-and-gloom person. I hope for the best for Tayler. I pray for it every single day. Every time I look at her. I find myself praying before bed some nights-- 'God, I know I can wake up tomorrow and she's healed...' I know I can. I have that faith. I know He is a miracle worker...
but there's those days I get angry because I think 'why won't He does a miracle for her?'
He knows my heart, so that's why I'm open about this stuff. There's no use hiding my pain.. my sadness.. my frustration. Some days, He knows, I feel abandoned.
Do you know how bad I long to hear 'I love you' from my daughter? Do you know how bad I long to have a conversation with her?
Do you know how much I know He can do it... and it kills me inside that He doesn't?
Everything happens for a reason... all in due time...
but sometimes that doesn't heal this kind of pain.. this kind of hurt.
I love that little girl more than anyone will ever be able to fathom and I will fight until the day I die for her to have a fulfulling life. I will fight through my anger. I will fight with hope. I will fight with faith. I will work my butt off to make sure she knows how much she is loved... how treasured she is.. and I will fight that she always sees her potential.
I love you, sweetheart. I will use every bit of strength I have to fight for you.
And I will keep praying.
And hoping.
And working.
Til He hears.
