FIGHT.

GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population. Women are twice as likely to be affected as men.

Panic Disorder affects 6 million people. Or 2.7% of the U.S population.  Women are twice as likely to be affected as men. 

I am one of the 6.8 million adults affected by anxiety.. I am one of the 6 million people affected by panic disorder. 

It all started when I was 13, although it wasn't anything too overwhelming. Just a lot of deep breathing if I had too much idle time on my hands. 

I was actually doing alright coping with the mild anxiety I had all through school. 

Then college hit. They say anxiety can happen due to genetics.. Or traumatic experiences. I am not sure what the root of my struggle was... All I knew is it was real.

It didn't control my life at first.. Only hindered me from doing a few minute things. Then, for some reason, it became life changing. I kept getting worse. Sitting through a college class, I became obsessed with worrying.. 'What happens if I pass out and I'm 20 miles from home? Will they take me to the hospital? How will I get home if I have a panic attack? What if I pass out while I'm driving? What if no one finds me?'

These may seem like weird thoughts to others.. Almost ridiculous, but they consumed me. Fear started ruling my life. 

December 15, 2006 was the last day I drove to Muskingum College. I quit that day. I couldn't handle the classes.. The thoughts.. The drive. 

I thought that was it. If I just avoided that, I would be fine..

Turns out when you give anxiety an inch, it takes a mile.

I gave up on that.. Then I quit my job. That was too much as well. 

Eventually, I just quit leaving the house period. A month passed and I didn't leave once. The fears consumed me. What if I panicked at the store? What if I panicked at a restaurant? What if I passed out? 

I remember sitting in my room one night while the family went shopping and out to dinner. I was crying so hard because I WANTED to be with them. I WANTED a social life. I was so angry with God. I felt like He had left me.. He let me lose everything. I would pray and pray.. And I would just get worse and worse. I didn't understand. 

I read a lot back then.. And that included every single one of Joyce Meyers books. In one book, she talked about how I was letting fear control me.. I wasn't controlling it... And every step I took to recover would make me stronger.

So I took baby steps.

I started going on walks around the neighborhood. I was still close to home if I needed to escape but I was building strength. 

After that, I started going to the store with my parents, then restaurants, then out of town.

It was a slow process. It took me close to 6 months to get to that point, BUT I did it. That was the key! 

My true test came when I met Ethan because I was moving completely out of my comfort zone. I was traveling to another city, alone, to meet someone I barely knew. 

And you know what happened?

I didn't pass out. I didn't die. I didn't panic. I didn't have to go outside to get a breath of fresh air...

I fell in love. 

Can you imagine if I would have let fear continue to control my life? 

Where would I be? What would I have? 

I was lost in this world of anxiety for a long time. I frustrated so many people. I think some might have even lose hope in me. I'm not sure.

But God didn't give up on me and I refused to give up on myself. I refused to keep letting fear steal all of the good in my life. 

I had to get in the mindset that I was the one in control of my own fate. You get one life-- that's it! Do you want to pass away knowing you let something like fear take LIFE away from you??? I was breathing every day. I had life. But I was not LIVING. I was strictly surviving. That's it. 

I am so thankful I get to LIVE now. I'm not perfect and I still have my tough days, but more than anthing, I find myself being grateful. 

Thanks to overcoming anxiety and panic disorder, I have three gorgeous babies. I have a handsome husband.

As I was driving down the road yesterday with my three children in the back seat, I found myself crying, telling God thank You.

With His strength, I now drive 35 minutes to my daughter's speech and occupational therapy appointments. I drive 40 minutes for her evaluations. I have plans to take her to pre school every day. I run to restaurants.. Just the kids and me. We go to the post office. Just us..

I am living life. Finally.

I don't have the control of fear and dread and worry.

I am happy. And at peace.

I say all of this to just give one person hope. If you are struggling with the same thing, please hold on. There are better, beautiful days ahead. FIGHT for them. FIGHT to live! It's okay to admit that you are not okay right now. There's no shame in this and I don't want anyone ever thinking that there is. Everyone has their own battles.. This just happens to be ours.

But you are strong enough to conquer this and live.

Please don't just survive. Thrive. Love. Be with your family. Go out with friends. Try new things. Go to new restaurants. Travel.

This life is beautiful. Our children need us, our significant others need us.. We need us to be strong. 

Links:

http://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

27 Things I've Learned

This won't be my typical blog post, but it's something I want to share.

I am turning '28' in a few days. I know, how the heck did that happen? I swear I was a senior in high school just yesterday and now, here I am, 10 years later. 

It's funny. One day, you're 18 years old and you're thinking, 'This is exactly how I want my life to go...' And next thing you know, you're 28 years old, and you're right where you're supposed to be.

When I was 18, I had four thoughts:

1. Become a teacher

2. Be single for as long as possible

3. Never have children 

4. Own your own condo 

I wanted to be a teacher because I've always felt like that was my 'calling.' I wanted to be single because I carried so much baggage around, I didn't want to 'bring down' another person so to speak. Also, the fact I didn't really want children might have been a deal breaker for some guys. It wasn't because I thought kids were a nuisance or anything.. It was strictly because I had a severe case of medical anxiety and well, no children meant no hospital stays or doctor appointments. The more I could avoid those, the better! And well, I wanted my own condo because in my head, living alone in one of those meant I'd really made it.

Now, I'm 28 years old. And I have four realities: 

1. I'm a stay at home mother. 

2. I've been married for 4 years. 

3. I have three children.

4. I live in a 4-bedroom, 2-bathroom house in a small town in Ohio.

And you know what's even more interesting? I'm the happiest and most content I've ever been. I never knew this was the life that was going to help me find myself but it did. I know who I am, right here, right now. It's not the life I envisioned when I was making a scrapbook of my senior year of high school, but I think my 18-year old self would be proud.

I hope she would be proud mostly because I've learned a few things during my 27th year in this big ol' world. 

1. Having a husband that's your best friend makes difficult moments easier. 

2. Being pregnant during the summer isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

3. Living in a small town is perfect. Little shops, home-town restaurants, kind people. 

4. Birthdays spent sober are even better than birthdays spent drunk. I didn't have a hang over March 7, 2014.

5. Not everyone will be there for you-- even though you're often there for them. That's alright because I heard a quote once that was my mantra for '27' and will be for '28' as well.. 'There are two types of people in this world: the givers and the takers.. And the givers always sleep better.'

6. Hearing a diagnosis of Autism for your three year old daughter will change your life whether you're 20 or 27. You will become a fighter because of it. 

7. You can eat raw brownie mix. Here's the trick: Mix the brownie mix, water, and oil first, take a lick with that spoon (or enjoy three big scoops, whatever), throw said spoon in dishwasher, crack open eggs, pour in, mix. No one ever knows

8. Life is better with a donut and a cup of coffee for breakfast. 

9. It's alright to not get your way from time to time. It breaks you out of your shell and gets you out of your comfort zone.

10. Talking bad about someone else's looks, house, car, job, economic status, etc. Won't make your looks, house, car, job, economic status, etc any better. Burning down your neighbors house doesn't make yours better. 

11. If you do a little housework a day, it saves you from having to do a big housework day! I don't know if it's the three kids thing or what, but I've learned this over the past month and I believe my house and my husband thank me.

12. Uplifting your husband is healthy for you, him, and your relationship. No one is perfect and I am sure your husband has his fair share of 'annoyances' but its worth it every day to uplift him about something! Thank him for working hard.. Thank him when he takes the trash out. Remind him he is your blessing!

13. Take a ton of pictures. No one has ever regretted having too many pictures of family and friends... Only not enough. 

14. The simple life is a good life-- we have just enough but we are not stressed out and my husband isn't having to work two jobs to keep up with our debt. It is a blessing for us!

15. If you forget laundry for a day, it will in fact quadruple by the next day. Alyssa's Law of Laundry.

16. Tape is your best friend. I lose everything. And if I have an appointment, and I need paperwork, I can't find it.. So I've started taping all important paperwork needed within the next month to our fridge. Doesn't always look pretty but I'm organized!

17. You're never too busy-- it's all about priorities. What you value, you will make time for it. 

18. Every parent needs a night away every now and then.. Don't feel guilty for it. 

19. Chipotle is life.

20. You can defy all odds. When Ethan and I got married, I'm sure most didn't think we would last a year.. And this year we will have been together 6 years.. And we aren't simply together.. We are happy. 

21. Your path won't be everyone's and it's important to remember that. What you treasure may be different than what someone else treasures. That doesn't make their decision wrong.. Just different. I'm 27 and I have 3 children. I stay at home full time. I love me and I love my life but I don't believe everyone has to make the same choices as me. 

22. Ignoring things has made me a healthier, happier person! 

23. Friends are all about quality not quantity. My circle is small, but loyal. 

24. Although growing up can be rough for a parent/child relationship, that all changes when you become an adult. My relationship with my parents has never been better and I love seeing them as grandparents. 

25. Some nights, it's okay to just order pizza or some kind of take-out. Don't feel bad. Sometimes you need someone else to cook for you ;)

26. Times can be really tough and life can throw you some curveballs but that doesn't mean Jesus still doesn't love you or have everything in control. Life wasn't meant to be fair or easy. You only learn the value of things when you have to work for them. 27 has been challenging in some parts but I've never doubted His love for my family. 

27. Last, the most important thing I've learned at 27 is that it's okay to love yourself. All of yourself. I use to tuck away my quirkiness or my anxiety but today, I embrace it. I'm a little nerdy, anxious at times. I don't have an indoor voice and I'm as disorganized as they come. I watch the same movie 25x in a row and I enjoy a good book. I'm me.. And I've learned to love that even more this year. 

27 things I've learned in my 27 years.

Not all of the lessons this year have been easy but I have been so blessed.

Our oldest daughter turned '3' between March 6, 2014 and March 6, 2015. Our middle child turned '1.' I gave birth to our third child in October 2014. We moved in to our dream home May 2014. We celebrated 4 years of marriage in December 2014. 

This has been a year of life for us. 

Cheers to 27 (almost 28) years on this gorgeous earth and here's to 28+28 more! 

We're in Holland.

I sat down the other night and looked through pictures of our three-year old. I cried during her newborn pictures because I couldn't believe she was that small, once upon a time. 6lbs 3oz, 20" long, as a matter of fact. She was a mere 5lb 12oz when I brought her home from the hospital. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. We had to stay an extra day at the hospital due to her having jaundice and the weather was absolutely crazy. The day I had her, it was 20* outside and snowing. The day I brought her home from the hospital, it was 50* and hailing.

I teared up as I looked over her first year. I had videos of her crawling and walking. Pictures of her trying baby food for the first time. I even have a video of her saying 'Gigi.' I forgot I had that-- proof that she spoke and repeated words years ago.

When I got to her 1st birthday pictures, all of these feelings started rushing back to me. I feel like that was the moment I knew-- I knew something was.. different. I wouldn't admit it then, but looking back now, I had that pit in the bottom of my stomach. She cried the entire time we had her birthday party. 11am-12:30pm. I wrote it off as she was just tired or she was just a baby, but, she was miserable the entire time the 80+ people were in the room.

She eventually fell asleep and woke up an hour later.. after most of the people had left. There were about 15 people sitting around, waiting for her to do her smash cake and she was fine... peaceful. We all kept saying 'The nap did her well...' but even then, I just felt 'off.'

For her 2nd birthday, she melted down as well. Once again, we said, 'It's 1PM.. time for her to sleep' and she did. She slept through her birthday party yet again. Maybe it was some kind of coping mechanism for her? I'm not sure.

But I feel like, looking back, even in those moments so early on...  I knew.

And here we are, almost 4 years later.

4 years since she came in to this world and was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen ( only until her gorgeous sister  was born almost exactly 2 years later.)

I read a poem the other day that someone shared with me called 'Holland.' If you've never read it before, HERE is a link. It's definitely worth the read-- makes you think. So many people say, 'I don't know how you do it' or 'How do you handle all of this' or 'Was this diagnosis hard for you to hear'... And I never really knew what to say. Then I read this and it all made sense.

In this poem, the author writes:

"... everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

This sums it up.

It's been a month and a half since we heard the words that our three-year old is on the Autism Spectrum, but in reality, we have known deep down much longer.

However, since hearing the words, my processing has been different. Where once I looked at my 3-year old, and as terrible as this sounds, I 'analyzed' her.... things are much different now that we have seen a doctor and heard the words.. choked them down.. out loud.

As I always say, when I write all of this... I'm not saying we have accepted defeat or that our world is over. I'm just explaining how my feelings are in this process...

Now, I find myself in a constant battle between feeling a sense of pain when I see a 3 almost 4-year old carrying on an entire conversation with their parent or a stranger and feeling hope that that will be my three-year old one day. I'm in a constant battle between feeling bad that I wish my three-year old could communicate with me and feeling happy that my three-year old is healthy and safe. I'm in a constant battle between not understanding why she has to go through these obstacles to do every-day tasks and feeling strong enough to overcome them.

My mind is in a constant battle and some days I don't know whether to cry, be brave, write a happy blog, or write a blog that displays my raw feelings.

I find myself swimming in this sea of anger... faith... fear... determination...

How is that possible? That I could have faith and be angry all at the same time.

I was raised in church, so trust me when I say, I know His Word like the back of my hand. I know that we aren't supposed to question God and that all things work for good to those that love Him. I know He has everything in His hands and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. I know that He designs us from the womb and we are crafted perfectly in His hands... I don't doubt any of that and I still believe every word with all of my might.

However... my human side... the side we all display, comes out. Jesus even got angry.

My human side. The side I try to hide from every one.. it shows at times and I find myself crying and feeling upset... hurt.. lost... mad even.

My daughter will go on to live a thriving life because we have such an amazing support system and she is a driven three-year old. HOWEVER, I still look at our situation right now and wonder 'What will 10 years from now look like? Will she talk? Will she comprehend what people say? Will she be able to go to the bathroom on her own? Will she be able to write? Will she be able to use a fork and a spoon? Will she go to school and have friends?' The faith in me screams: YES. Yes she will do all of these things!! But my heart, at times, fails me and I cry inside thinking 'What if she doesn't.?'

When I gave birth to her almost 4 years ago, this thought never even entered my mind. That I would have a child that cannot communicate with speech. That I would have a child that doesn't look me in the eyes or understand simple commands. A child that doesn't yell 'Bye Mommy, I love you' when I walk out the door or welcome me with a hug when I walk through the door.

When you have a baby, you never picture that. You picture them learning new words, having new milestones, potty training, starting kindergarten... all of it working together, flawlessly.

Then life throws you a curve ball and you find yourself going to meeting after meeting to set your child up in a special education preschool... and you're running to speech therapy appointments.. and occupational therapy appointments.. and sometimes driving there, things weigh on you, and you say in your heart, 'I didn't picture it being like this.'

No, I didn't picture this-- I pictured Italy, if we are being honest. I didn't picture Holland once. But, we are in Holland now.... and it's a different world than what I had imagined, but our bags are packed.. and we are ready for the trip.

This might not be what I pictured, but it doesn't change the depths of my love for her or my determination to do whatever I have to for her to flourish in every possible way. I see how smart she is in the little things she does-- the progress we make. She has more persistence than some adults. I knew that the moment she was born...

... We just have a different path to take, a different journey. Not a less beautiful journey. Just different.

Update On Our Journey

Today we had an evaluation for our local school system to determine whether our three-year old *needs* to be in a special education pre school class.

When we left Nationwide Children's Hospital February 2nd, our daughter's psychologist gave us a list of things we needed to work on between then and her next evaluation at Children's Hospital... One of them was to get her enrolled in a preschool program. 

We have been working hard at home with exercises he gave us to work on, but we know in our hearts, greater intervention is needed. 

A sweet lady came to visit today and observed our three-year old doing her every-day activities. She watched how she played with toys and how she interacted with her siblings. It is critical at every stage in our journey.. As we meet new people and deal with new schools, hospitals, etc. that they evaluate our daughter for their own records. We have learned that much since beginning this journey almost 2 months ago. 

We had a wonderful visit and we learned a lot about the special education programs in and out of our school district. We will know more in a few weeks after our follow up appointment but I feel so excited that we are making progress... All for our daughter. 

I don't doubt that she will do great things with her life. I know she will. She has the determination and the knowledge, but one thing I know is that we all need help teaching her how to harness her abilities and use them. We know she needs the capability to communicate her thoughts and needs. It is our deepest desire that she lives a flourishing life... That she thrives in every aspect. We want her to shine her light in whatever way she desires but we want to make sure she has all of the resources at her fingertips to do this. 

This is why I am so grateful for programs like the ones we learned about today. I am thankful for people who have the patience and skills to spend time with those on the spectrum and teach them things that they are struggling to currently learn. It blesses my heart. 

Our three- year old (and our one-year old and our 4-month old) are our most prized possessions. They mean everything to us. They are the reason we push ourselves. We want them to have the very best-- and for our three year old, this means that we have to be advocates for her. She doesn't know how to use her voice to communicate her needs right now... So we will be that for her. 

This is why we ask so many questions.. Why we go to so many meetings... Why I keep everyone updated and share our story so often. We are her voice.. We are her advocates. We want to give her the world... And we know right now, it requires work, time, and effort. And we will do every bit of that for her. She brightens up a room with her smile and her laugh. She deserves everything we can give her.. And we vow to always do that. 

I am looking forward to our follow-up appointment. I will try and keep everyone updated as we know more. I love you all and I appreciate you sharing in our journey with us <3

Please Think.

I'm a mother of a child with Autism and while I haven't been on this journey as long as others, I can already tell you certain things unnerve me to my core.

I try to be compassionate, caring, and bite my tongue, but unfortunately, my heart breaks at times and the only thing I can do to help heal it is get some words off of my chest. 

I am not claiming that individuals in this world are acting out of malice or hatred.. I think it's more of a lack of not thinking before speaking.

Hearing the doctor speak the words 'Your child is on the Autism spectrum' is a difficult thing to choke down, especially initially, even if you have already noticed certain signs..

Love, support, and kindness.. All of that works together to help our family push forward and do what is best for our child.. Even when we are struggling emotionally with the situation. 

What doesn't help? 

Reading article after article that individuals send us or share about how vaccinations cause Autism. Let me humor all of you for about a minute and let's say 'Sure, Vaccinations cause Autism' (even though the 'doctor' that made these claims in 1998 has been stripped of his medical license for making assumptions and causing panic)... Why on earth would you share this kind of information with a parent that is struggling emotionally at the time anyways? We received a great deal of information at our first evalution.. One of those packets pertained to vaccinations, so I assure you.. Our child's doctors and psychologists are doing their job informing us. 

As if we are not already dealing with enough emotions and feelings during this process, why not add guilt to the mixture? As if we already don't have enough on our plate, how about you add your 'here's something you haven't thought of, but I know all about it' to it too.

I rarely post blogs in this nature. Usually they are faith-filled and encouraging, but sometimes even the momma that thinks she's a tiny bit strong gets frustrated. 

This isn't a blog to debate vaccinations because, quite frankly, to each his own. I don't share my opinion on the matter and I would prefer if others didn't share theirs with me as well :) The purpose of this blog is to share one thought: Please be mindful of the things you share with us and the words you speak. You can build someone up with your words (written and spoken) and you can tear someone down. When someone is going through a difficult time, please choose words of life and encouragement.... Not words of shame, guilt, and haughtiness. 

We receive a great deal of information.. From many sources.. Many studies.. Many thoughts from doctors, psychologist, neurologists, and more. They are helping us navigate this new journey. We receive support, love, and kindness from our friends and family. They are also helping us navigate this new journey. 

I say all of this to say... Please think before speaking.

Once again, I am not saying we choose not to be informed or that we are blind to the discussions in the world today. I am strictly saying that this is a difficult time for all of us right now and words of encouragement, love, support, and empowerment will go a lot further than words spoken out of passive-aggressiveness or Internet research. 

I love all of you and I appreciate your prayers so much. I wouldn't feel half as strong as I do today without all of you and I am sure our three-year old wouldn't be doing as amazing as she is with our 'exercises' without the prayers of good people.

I hope you all have an amazing week!

God bless! 

Sensitivity

*Disclaimer: through this blog, I am not claiming that my child sees spirits or that all children on the spectrum (or off the spectrum for that matter) see spirits. This was just an experience we had with our three-year old daughter.

We recently visited a local restaurant in our hometown. While there, a waiter approached our table and the closer he got, our three-year old began putting her hands on her ears, screaming, and burying her face in to her neck. She was crying horribly, so my husband had to pick her up and stand across the room until he was done. 

This isn't a normal situation for us. During our discussion with the psychologist at our daughter's evaluation, he asked how she is in public because some children on the spectrum have a difficult time in stores, restaurants, etc. This isn't an obstacle for us-- our daughter typically does wonderful wherever we go. 

We were kind of shocked to be honest. It was completely out of character. After he was done, she came back to the table, ate her meal, and she was content. However, if she saw him coming near again, she started losing control once again.

This was a few weeks ago.

We have been to numerous restaurants since then and she hasn't acted this way again. Waiter after waitress after waiter has approached our table and she's sat still, smiled, sang. Acted like herself.

Fast forward to this week. We visited a restaurant this week (different from the one mentioned previously) and the same thing happened. A waiter walked over to our table and she began to cover her ears, cry, scream. She was shaking uncontrollably. I started getting nervous... What if she panicked. We tried to reassure her that she was fine. We were right there, but she didn't take her eyes off of him and if he got close to our table, she began crying and covering her ears again. Other people approached our table with food and drinks.. She was fine. But this one waiter was causing her to be extremely fearful.

We eventually had to get to-go boxes and leave. She just couldn't handle the situation and it broke my heart that I couldn't calm her down.

 

I took her out to the lobby area and as soon as we reached the doors, she stopped. She started laughing and dancing. She was back to herself again. I was standing in entry way and from where I was standing, I could see the front desk area. I saw Ethan pay the bill and I saw the waiter from our table walk up front to the pay the bill. The closer he got to the front desk (which was right beside of the lobby) the more tayler began to get restless. She covered her ears, dropped to the floor, started screaming, and saying 'No no no no!' I grabbed her and hugged her. I was in shock because I could see him, but she was too little to even see over the window. There's no way she knew he was nearby-- she was strictly going by feeling.

As he walked over to the table, she started calming down. And then he walked to the back of the restaurant, and she was perfectly fine again. Ethan came out with the other two children and we left. 

The entire trip home she was singing and laughing. She was our three-year old again.. Carefree and happy.

I know many claim children can 'see' spirits, ghosts, etc. I didn't know they could see 'bad' things though.. And that's what it seemed like.

It has me wondering if she's sensitive to things like this. It broke my heart because I've never seen her scared like she was that day (or the first day this happened.)

I wrote this blog mostly for my own memories.. A journal of our experiences with our three-year old. The good, the tough, the interesting. 

Confessions.

I have a confession.

We went through question after question Monday morning concerning the development of our three-year old. 

We discussed the M-CHAT (Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers.) If you haven't looked in to this, it's a great tool for parents to check-up on their children. 

On the M-CHAT, you will see questions like: 

If you point at something across the room, does your child look at it? 

Does your child play pretend or make believe? 

Does your child point with one finger when asking for something?

Does your child point with one finger when showing you something interesting? 

Is your child interested in other children? 

Does your child respond when their name is called? 

Does your child smile when you smile (reciprocate feelings?)

Does your child look at you in your eyes when you we talking to them? 

Does your child copy what you do? 

And with every question, I answered 'no' about our three-year old. It was difficult to do because the more questions are asked, the more reality sets in... 

My confession, however is this...

With every 'no' answer I gave for our three-year old, inside I was screaming 'yes' for our 1-year old. 

Yes, she responds to her name. Yes, she plays make-believe. Yes, she makes eye contact. Yes, she points to things. 

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Is it bad that I was sad and relieved at the same time? 

Sad because I know my three-year old has a journey ahead of her to get where she will want to go. Sad because I can't communicate verbally with my three-year old. Sad because I see embarrassment and frustration in her eyes right now.

But relieved because I see my almost 2-year old talking.. Pretending... Fake answering phone calls.. Mimicking facial expressions.

Please do not get me wrong with this blog-- I'm not trying to compare my children. I'm not saying my three-year old is less. And I'm not saying that Autism will control my three-year for the rest of her life. I wouldn't be angry if my one-year old were diagnosed. BUT my heart would hurt because I see the pain on my sweet girl at times and I don't want any of my other children to go through that. 

My confession is simple.

I watch my children like hawks. I feel like I'm constantly analyzing their behaviors. If my 3-month old won't make eye contact with me for a second or will not follow a toy, I start praying.. I start making even more eye contact with him. 

And then I go through guilt.

Autism doesn't have a period at the end of it because that isn't the end of thought... The sentence. Autism doesn't control my life nor will it control our three-year old's...

But I still find myself struggling with fear.. Anxiousness.. For my other two.

Our three-year old is nothing short of amazing. Smart. Beautiful. Kind. Passionate. Driven. But I also see her overwhelmed with nervousness, loud noises, frustration, embarrassment, and a sense of being lost at times because she doesn't understand things.

Her life isn't over. I don't think this will hold her back..

But the human side of me can't help but obsess over our two younger children. Is this normal? Probably. Who I am to say. What I do know is that it's real for me... For my heart. 

I love my children more than anything. I want the best for all three of them. And I pray that God blesses all three of them in His way.