Confessions.

I have a confession.

We went through question after question Monday morning concerning the development of our three-year old. 

We discussed the M-CHAT (Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers.) If you haven't looked in to this, it's a great tool for parents to check-up on their children. 

On the M-CHAT, you will see questions like: 

If you point at something across the room, does your child look at it? 

Does your child play pretend or make believe? 

Does your child point with one finger when asking for something?

Does your child point with one finger when showing you something interesting? 

Is your child interested in other children? 

Does your child respond when their name is called? 

Does your child smile when you smile (reciprocate feelings?)

Does your child look at you in your eyes when you we talking to them? 

Does your child copy what you do? 

And with every question, I answered 'no' about our three-year old. It was difficult to do because the more questions are asked, the more reality sets in... 

My confession, however is this...

With every 'no' answer I gave for our three-year old, inside I was screaming 'yes' for our 1-year old. 

Yes, she responds to her name. Yes, she plays make-believe. Yes, she makes eye contact. Yes, she points to things. 

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Is it bad that I was sad and relieved at the same time? 

Sad because I know my three-year old has a journey ahead of her to get where she will want to go. Sad because I can't communicate verbally with my three-year old. Sad because I see embarrassment and frustration in her eyes right now.

But relieved because I see my almost 2-year old talking.. Pretending... Fake answering phone calls.. Mimicking facial expressions.

Please do not get me wrong with this blog-- I'm not trying to compare my children. I'm not saying my three-year old is less. And I'm not saying that Autism will control my three-year for the rest of her life. I wouldn't be angry if my one-year old were diagnosed. BUT my heart would hurt because I see the pain on my sweet girl at times and I don't want any of my other children to go through that. 

My confession is simple.

I watch my children like hawks. I feel like I'm constantly analyzing their behaviors. If my 3-month old won't make eye contact with me for a second or will not follow a toy, I start praying.. I start making even more eye contact with him. 

And then I go through guilt.

Autism doesn't have a period at the end of it because that isn't the end of thought... The sentence. Autism doesn't control my life nor will it control our three-year old's...

But I still find myself struggling with fear.. Anxiousness.. For my other two.

Our three-year old is nothing short of amazing. Smart. Beautiful. Kind. Passionate. Driven. But I also see her overwhelmed with nervousness, loud noises, frustration, embarrassment, and a sense of being lost at times because she doesn't understand things.

Her life isn't over. I don't think this will hold her back..

But the human side of me can't help but obsess over our two younger children. Is this normal? Probably. Who I am to say. What I do know is that it's real for me... For my heart. 

I love my children more than anything. I want the best for all three of them. And I pray that God blesses all three of them in His way.