Together.

I have my days where I feel helpless, lost, and afraid.

Friday was one of those days. We have moments where I feel as though we are going backwards with our three-year old as opposed to forward. It's difficult because there are constant ups and downs. 

I cried a lot Friday in to Saturday. Some times that's just my way to cope with my feelings. But Saturday morning, I decided I needed to get out of the house, so I loaded all three of my munchkins up in our car and headed in to town to pick up some food and get a fountain vanilla coke. I swear Burger King has the best. 

While driving in I had a huge epiphany. 

I've said over and over again that I feel more anger and frustration than anything most days. I know she is our gift and a blessing, but I can't help but feel angry some days.. Not at anyone in particular. I don't hold a fist up at God and blame Him. It's life-- and I know we all have our fair share of obstacles. But my spirit was just angry because I didn't understand why my baby had to be the one to face this. Why did she have to be the one to struggle to communicate, to make friends. 

I've spent so much time being angry, I couldn't see anything else. 

Everyone knows I've had my struggles with anxiety. There was a time I couldn't even leave the house, but by the love and help of Jesus, I have been able to push past the fear and live a much more fulfilling life.  

Even so, I've still always struggled to do things that everyone else easily does each day. I have to pray and ask God to wrap His arms around me every time I leave the house-- especially when I leave alone (however I didn't leave alone-- before now-- often because I didn't really have to.)

Fast forward to life now-- I leave alone at least 2x a week to take our three-year old to therapy sessions. Once every few months, I drive to take at least one child to the doctor. It wasn't easy for me at first, but over a month in, I feel so much peace in doing things alone. I've even got to the point where I even stop to eat lunch with the kids and run errands-- just us. 

I'm not for one second saying that I'm glad my child was diagnosed with Autism because, although I love every bit of her how she is, I want her to be able to communicate verbally one day. But I am saying that maybe there's a little bit of a silver lining in all of this....

Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her reach her potential... I'm finding mine. Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her find her wings... I'm finding mine. Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her become stronger.. I'm finding strength too.

I think my mom said it best when she said 'You two are growing together..' And I like that. I looked at her in the back seat, smiling out the window, and realized that we are both just finding out way, finding ourself. Together.

Grieving

March 26th will mark one month of therapy sessions for our three- year old. We have been attending one speech therapy session a week and one occupational therapy session a week.

As soon as we get there, our three-year old gets the biggest smile on her face. She jumps around the waiting room. See, she loves people. And she loves when people pay attention to her. So, therapy sessions where everything is one-on-one fits her like a glove.

During her sessions, I sit in the waiting room, right outside of the door to her therapy room. My dad or husband usually goes along with me and we bring our 1 year old and 4 month old to tag along as well. Heck, we call it a family adventure. (Our kids aren't going to know what to do when we go on an actual adventure together haha!) Sitting there allows us to hear all that's going on. We hear the therapist trying to get our three-year old to do something, we hear our three-year old scream 'Yo Gabba Gabba' in a growling voice (for some reason, this is what she screams when she is angry?)... I sometimes cry because I feel bad that she is uncomfortable.. Or scared.. Or frustrated.. Or angry. And some days I hold it together. Our one-year old is typically the protective one, yelling from the waiting room for everyone to leave her sissy alone. 

During these sessions, I have a lot of time to think.. And this week was no different.

You see-- my heart just aches some days. I love our three-year old more than you'll ever comprehend... And that's probably why my heart hurts like it does. 

I hurt some days because I just don't understand how to not be frustrated.... How to not be confused.. How to shut off my brain and feel with my heart. 

Confession time from a mom with a child that was diagnosed with Autism: some days I feel like I can't connect with our three-year old. And it's difficult and challenging. 

Our one-year old (she will be '2' in May) can talk your ear off. She will ask for me to turn on doggie ('Mr. Peabody & Sherman') or no-man ('Frozen') and we will cuddle and talk through the movie. She always points at the same things and says the same things, but it's still a lot of fun. We connect. We spend time together. 

And some days, that hurts. Because  when I try to hang out with our three-year old.. Build Legos or say the alphabet.. She pushes me out of the room or moves her toys to another area. I'll move to where she is and she will push me away. 

I love her. I hope she understands that. And I know she loves me because there are days I get a big smile and a soft rub on my arms. But some days, the pain of not communicating with her verbally.. Not sitting down and watching a new movie with her.. Not hearing her little thoughts.. It runs deep. 

And some days, through her therapy sessions and doctor appointments, I think about it. 

Some will say 'She loves you in her own way' or 'She will speak one day' or 'She has her own way of spending time with you..' And I get that. I do. But that doesn't make the grieving of WANTING to do these things with her any easier. 

So, I sit and write these words with tears rolling down my face because some days, I don't want to hear 'the bright side..' Some days, I just want to cry and have someone hear my fears, my worries, my frustrations, my confusion, my guilt, my heavy chest, my grief, my longing. 

I know she's perfect. I know she's beautiful. She's precious. She has a big heart. She loves smiling. She loves dancing. She loves when people visit. She hates when people leave. I know all of this.. I know she has a future. I know she will live a flourishing life. 

But it doesn't always heal the hurt in my heart. The fear. 

Some days are easier than others.. And then some days, like today, I sit with millions of questions.. Worries.. Wonders.

FIGHT.

GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population. Women are twice as likely to be affected as men.

Panic Disorder affects 6 million people. Or 2.7% of the U.S population.  Women are twice as likely to be affected as men. 

I am one of the 6.8 million adults affected by anxiety.. I am one of the 6 million people affected by panic disorder. 

It all started when I was 13, although it wasn't anything too overwhelming. Just a lot of deep breathing if I had too much idle time on my hands. 

I was actually doing alright coping with the mild anxiety I had all through school. 

Then college hit. They say anxiety can happen due to genetics.. Or traumatic experiences. I am not sure what the root of my struggle was... All I knew is it was real.

It didn't control my life at first.. Only hindered me from doing a few minute things. Then, for some reason, it became life changing. I kept getting worse. Sitting through a college class, I became obsessed with worrying.. 'What happens if I pass out and I'm 20 miles from home? Will they take me to the hospital? How will I get home if I have a panic attack? What if I pass out while I'm driving? What if no one finds me?'

These may seem like weird thoughts to others.. Almost ridiculous, but they consumed me. Fear started ruling my life. 

December 15, 2006 was the last day I drove to Muskingum College. I quit that day. I couldn't handle the classes.. The thoughts.. The drive. 

I thought that was it. If I just avoided that, I would be fine..

Turns out when you give anxiety an inch, it takes a mile.

I gave up on that.. Then I quit my job. That was too much as well. 

Eventually, I just quit leaving the house period. A month passed and I didn't leave once. The fears consumed me. What if I panicked at the store? What if I panicked at a restaurant? What if I passed out? 

I remember sitting in my room one night while the family went shopping and out to dinner. I was crying so hard because I WANTED to be with them. I WANTED a social life. I was so angry with God. I felt like He had left me.. He let me lose everything. I would pray and pray.. And I would just get worse and worse. I didn't understand. 

I read a lot back then.. And that included every single one of Joyce Meyers books. In one book, she talked about how I was letting fear control me.. I wasn't controlling it... And every step I took to recover would make me stronger.

So I took baby steps.

I started going on walks around the neighborhood. I was still close to home if I needed to escape but I was building strength. 

After that, I started going to the store with my parents, then restaurants, then out of town.

It was a slow process. It took me close to 6 months to get to that point, BUT I did it. That was the key! 

My true test came when I met Ethan because I was moving completely out of my comfort zone. I was traveling to another city, alone, to meet someone I barely knew. 

And you know what happened?

I didn't pass out. I didn't die. I didn't panic. I didn't have to go outside to get a breath of fresh air...

I fell in love. 

Can you imagine if I would have let fear continue to control my life? 

Where would I be? What would I have? 

I was lost in this world of anxiety for a long time. I frustrated so many people. I think some might have even lose hope in me. I'm not sure.

But God didn't give up on me and I refused to give up on myself. I refused to keep letting fear steal all of the good in my life. 

I had to get in the mindset that I was the one in control of my own fate. You get one life-- that's it! Do you want to pass away knowing you let something like fear take LIFE away from you??? I was breathing every day. I had life. But I was not LIVING. I was strictly surviving. That's it. 

I am so thankful I get to LIVE now. I'm not perfect and I still have my tough days, but more than anthing, I find myself being grateful. 

Thanks to overcoming anxiety and panic disorder, I have three gorgeous babies. I have a handsome husband.

As I was driving down the road yesterday with my three children in the back seat, I found myself crying, telling God thank You.

With His strength, I now drive 35 minutes to my daughter's speech and occupational therapy appointments. I drive 40 minutes for her evaluations. I have plans to take her to pre school every day. I run to restaurants.. Just the kids and me. We go to the post office. Just us..

I am living life. Finally.

I don't have the control of fear and dread and worry.

I am happy. And at peace.

I say all of this to just give one person hope. If you are struggling with the same thing, please hold on. There are better, beautiful days ahead. FIGHT for them. FIGHT to live! It's okay to admit that you are not okay right now. There's no shame in this and I don't want anyone ever thinking that there is. Everyone has their own battles.. This just happens to be ours.

But you are strong enough to conquer this and live.

Please don't just survive. Thrive. Love. Be with your family. Go out with friends. Try new things. Go to new restaurants. Travel.

This life is beautiful. Our children need us, our significant others need us.. We need us to be strong. 

Links:

http://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

27 Things I've Learned

This won't be my typical blog post, but it's something I want to share.

I am turning '28' in a few days. I know, how the heck did that happen? I swear I was a senior in high school just yesterday and now, here I am, 10 years later. 

It's funny. One day, you're 18 years old and you're thinking, 'This is exactly how I want my life to go...' And next thing you know, you're 28 years old, and you're right where you're supposed to be.

When I was 18, I had four thoughts:

1. Become a teacher

2. Be single for as long as possible

3. Never have children 

4. Own your own condo 

I wanted to be a teacher because I've always felt like that was my 'calling.' I wanted to be single because I carried so much baggage around, I didn't want to 'bring down' another person so to speak. Also, the fact I didn't really want children might have been a deal breaker for some guys. It wasn't because I thought kids were a nuisance or anything.. It was strictly because I had a severe case of medical anxiety and well, no children meant no hospital stays or doctor appointments. The more I could avoid those, the better! And well, I wanted my own condo because in my head, living alone in one of those meant I'd really made it.

Now, I'm 28 years old. And I have four realities: 

1. I'm a stay at home mother. 

2. I've been married for 4 years. 

3. I have three children.

4. I live in a 4-bedroom, 2-bathroom house in a small town in Ohio.

And you know what's even more interesting? I'm the happiest and most content I've ever been. I never knew this was the life that was going to help me find myself but it did. I know who I am, right here, right now. It's not the life I envisioned when I was making a scrapbook of my senior year of high school, but I think my 18-year old self would be proud.

I hope she would be proud mostly because I've learned a few things during my 27th year in this big ol' world. 

1. Having a husband that's your best friend makes difficult moments easier. 

2. Being pregnant during the summer isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

3. Living in a small town is perfect. Little shops, home-town restaurants, kind people. 

4. Birthdays spent sober are even better than birthdays spent drunk. I didn't have a hang over March 7, 2014.

5. Not everyone will be there for you-- even though you're often there for them. That's alright because I heard a quote once that was my mantra for '27' and will be for '28' as well.. 'There are two types of people in this world: the givers and the takers.. And the givers always sleep better.'

6. Hearing a diagnosis of Autism for your three year old daughter will change your life whether you're 20 or 27. You will become a fighter because of it. 

7. You can eat raw brownie mix. Here's the trick: Mix the brownie mix, water, and oil first, take a lick with that spoon (or enjoy three big scoops, whatever), throw said spoon in dishwasher, crack open eggs, pour in, mix. No one ever knows

8. Life is better with a donut and a cup of coffee for breakfast. 

9. It's alright to not get your way from time to time. It breaks you out of your shell and gets you out of your comfort zone.

10. Talking bad about someone else's looks, house, car, job, economic status, etc. Won't make your looks, house, car, job, economic status, etc any better. Burning down your neighbors house doesn't make yours better. 

11. If you do a little housework a day, it saves you from having to do a big housework day! I don't know if it's the three kids thing or what, but I've learned this over the past month and I believe my house and my husband thank me.

12. Uplifting your husband is healthy for you, him, and your relationship. No one is perfect and I am sure your husband has his fair share of 'annoyances' but its worth it every day to uplift him about something! Thank him for working hard.. Thank him when he takes the trash out. Remind him he is your blessing!

13. Take a ton of pictures. No one has ever regretted having too many pictures of family and friends... Only not enough. 

14. The simple life is a good life-- we have just enough but we are not stressed out and my husband isn't having to work two jobs to keep up with our debt. It is a blessing for us!

15. If you forget laundry for a day, it will in fact quadruple by the next day. Alyssa's Law of Laundry.

16. Tape is your best friend. I lose everything. And if I have an appointment, and I need paperwork, I can't find it.. So I've started taping all important paperwork needed within the next month to our fridge. Doesn't always look pretty but I'm organized!

17. You're never too busy-- it's all about priorities. What you value, you will make time for it. 

18. Every parent needs a night away every now and then.. Don't feel guilty for it. 

19. Chipotle is life.

20. You can defy all odds. When Ethan and I got married, I'm sure most didn't think we would last a year.. And this year we will have been together 6 years.. And we aren't simply together.. We are happy. 

21. Your path won't be everyone's and it's important to remember that. What you treasure may be different than what someone else treasures. That doesn't make their decision wrong.. Just different. I'm 27 and I have 3 children. I stay at home full time. I love me and I love my life but I don't believe everyone has to make the same choices as me. 

22. Ignoring things has made me a healthier, happier person! 

23. Friends are all about quality not quantity. My circle is small, but loyal. 

24. Although growing up can be rough for a parent/child relationship, that all changes when you become an adult. My relationship with my parents has never been better and I love seeing them as grandparents. 

25. Some nights, it's okay to just order pizza or some kind of take-out. Don't feel bad. Sometimes you need someone else to cook for you ;)

26. Times can be really tough and life can throw you some curveballs but that doesn't mean Jesus still doesn't love you or have everything in control. Life wasn't meant to be fair or easy. You only learn the value of things when you have to work for them. 27 has been challenging in some parts but I've never doubted His love for my family. 

27. Last, the most important thing I've learned at 27 is that it's okay to love yourself. All of yourself. I use to tuck away my quirkiness or my anxiety but today, I embrace it. I'm a little nerdy, anxious at times. I don't have an indoor voice and I'm as disorganized as they come. I watch the same movie 25x in a row and I enjoy a good book. I'm me.. And I've learned to love that even more this year. 

27 things I've learned in my 27 years.

Not all of the lessons this year have been easy but I have been so blessed.

Our oldest daughter turned '3' between March 6, 2014 and March 6, 2015. Our middle child turned '1.' I gave birth to our third child in October 2014. We moved in to our dream home May 2014. We celebrated 4 years of marriage in December 2014. 

This has been a year of life for us. 

Cheers to 27 (almost 28) years on this gorgeous earth and here's to 28+28 more!