Together.

I have my days where I feel helpless, lost, and afraid.

Friday was one of those days. We have moments where I feel as though we are going backwards with our three-year old as opposed to forward. It's difficult because there are constant ups and downs. 

I cried a lot Friday in to Saturday. Some times that's just my way to cope with my feelings. But Saturday morning, I decided I needed to get out of the house, so I loaded all three of my munchkins up in our car and headed in to town to pick up some food and get a fountain vanilla coke. I swear Burger King has the best. 

While driving in I had a huge epiphany. 

I've said over and over again that I feel more anger and frustration than anything most days. I know she is our gift and a blessing, but I can't help but feel angry some days.. Not at anyone in particular. I don't hold a fist up at God and blame Him. It's life-- and I know we all have our fair share of obstacles. But my spirit was just angry because I didn't understand why my baby had to be the one to face this. Why did she have to be the one to struggle to communicate, to make friends. 

I've spent so much time being angry, I couldn't see anything else. 

Everyone knows I've had my struggles with anxiety. There was a time I couldn't even leave the house, but by the love and help of Jesus, I have been able to push past the fear and live a much more fulfilling life.  

Even so, I've still always struggled to do things that everyone else easily does each day. I have to pray and ask God to wrap His arms around me every time I leave the house-- especially when I leave alone (however I didn't leave alone-- before now-- often because I didn't really have to.)

Fast forward to life now-- I leave alone at least 2x a week to take our three-year old to therapy sessions. Once every few months, I drive to take at least one child to the doctor. It wasn't easy for me at first, but over a month in, I feel so much peace in doing things alone. I've even got to the point where I even stop to eat lunch with the kids and run errands-- just us. 

I'm not for one second saying that I'm glad my child was diagnosed with Autism because, although I love every bit of her how she is, I want her to be able to communicate verbally one day. But I am saying that maybe there's a little bit of a silver lining in all of this....

Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her reach her potential... I'm finding mine. Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her find her wings... I'm finding mine. Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her become stronger.. I'm finding strength too.

I think my mom said it best when she said 'You two are growing together..' And I like that. I looked at her in the back seat, smiling out the window, and realized that we are both just finding out way, finding ourself. Together.