I Live in Two Lands

I live in two different lands.

And honestly, both lands are new to me.

I realized this the other day at our now-4-year-old's therapy session. She went back to Speech Therapy and my husband and I sat in the waiting room with our almost-2-year-old and our 5-month old. I'll be honest. I don't know how a 2-year old is 'supposed' to act (I know, I know-- 'normal' is just a setting on a dryer.) But seriously. I don't know what is 'supposed' to be happening. How many words should she know? What should she know mathematically? Should she be able to count higher than 10? Should she know her alphabet? 

So, we were just sitting there having a typical 'conversation' with our 2-year old because she's at the point now where you're pretty much able to do that for the most part. 

A lady was sitting across from us. She had just walked through the door and sent her daughter back with a speech therapist as well. She wasn't there to see our 4-year old walk back with another speech therapist. I'm sure she had no idea why we were sitting in a rehab waiting room. 

As we are sitting there talking to our two-year old, I see her watching in amazement. She says, 'How old is she?' And I say 'She will be '2' in a couple of weeks.' She then said, 'My daughter is almost '2' as well.. And she only says a couple of words. Do you know how lucky you are?'

I just kind of stopped because I've been there. Jealous. Jealous that the child the same age as our oldest daughter was talking up a storm. Embarrassed because I'm not sure if I did something wrong. Scared because someone might talk to her and say, 'Why doesn't she talk?' I've been there. I'm still there. 

But I live in two lands now. 

I live in a land of having one non-verbal child. And I live in a land of having one verbal child. 

And luck has nothing to do with either one.

I'm not 'unlucky' because my 4-year old is non-verbal. And I'm not 'lucky' because my 2-year old is verbal. I have two beautiful children and we are walking down two different paths with both of them. Different is the perfect word for it. 

I looked at the lady in the waiting room.. I knew those eyes. Misty from trying to hold back the tears. Hiding grief. Fear. Frustration. Jealousy. I knew them all too well.

I said, 'I don't know where she picks all of this up at.' And laughed. And then I let her know--- I'm grieving with you.

I then told her this is new territory for us. I explained how our 4-year old is non-verbal and we are working on speech and occupational therapy. She looked at me with a bit of regret. She said, 'I am sorry. I didn't know you were here for another child.' I told her it was fine. I don't get offended easily. 

We left and I sat in the car on the way home thinking about our two lands we live in. And both cause us pain at times. I have pain with our 4-year old because I grieve for what could be. (I am working on it but please know this is new territory for me.) I have pain with our 2-year old because she goes everywhere with us-- rehab, children hospitals. She sits in the waiting room with us.. And with parents who also have 2-year olds that don't say anything at all. And then they look at our 2-year old. And I have empathetic pain for them. For their pain. For their grief.

I live in 2 lands. And I look for the beauty in both. I look for the blessings in both.  And I try to let everyone know I don't consider luck to be a factor in either land.  They're journeys. And we are taking both with as much wisdom and hope as we can.