FEBRUARY 2nd

We spent the better half of our morning filling out 11 pages of paperwork for 'Nationwide Children's Hospital Center for Autism Spectrum Disorder.' I'll be honest. I've had the paperwork for almost a week and I have looked at it every morning and I think about filling it out, but as soon as I start and I read certain questions, I stop, put it down, and forget about it for the day. 

Our three-year old's evaluation is next Monday, so I knew it had to get done today so they could prepare for her appointment... But part of me resisted because it meant this was real. Now, please don't get me wrong. I feel like a lot of people think I think my daughter's life is over when I say things like that.. Or they think I think my life is over... Or we are lost. When I say things like 'it means this is real,' I strictly mean: I have a hard time accepting that we need some kind of intervention. It doesn't mean that I feel as though all is lost or that there is something wrong with her. It just means that it's hard to write your child's struggles on a piece of paper because I believe it's something no parent wants to ever admit.... She isn't less of a person.. She isn't destined for failure... She isn't going to live a life of disappointment.... 

She will live a life of purpose and greatness.. She just has to overcome a few other obstacles that some children don't even have to think about. 

The questions on the form stabbed me in the heart... Some of the things it asked if our three-year old did never even occurred to me until I read it out loud. 

Shows little interest in people around her. 

Shows little fear in getting hurt.

Upset by new people.

Eats things that are not edible.  

It started sinking in.. After 300 questions..

This was happening.

And it was scary and relieving all at the same time.

Scary because I don't know what the future brings. I know it brings peace and all good things from God, but I don't know what steps she/we will have to take to get there. 

Relieving because we finally have help. We finally have someone that is standing in the gap for us. Someone who has heard our prayers and is helping us help our daughter. 

They gave us a list of 300 words that we had to check what words our daughter says (randomly or purposefully.) 'Any letter of the alphabet' and 'any number' were under numbers 264 and 295. TV characters had one number of its own too..

And reality set in again.

I checked 5 numbers/words  out of 300.

Do you know what I would have given to be able to check 'love,' 'Mommy,' 'Daddy?' 

But I believe I will one day.

I believe one day I will wake up in the morning and hear 'Hi Mommy!' 

I believe I'll get a big hug when she comes home from school one day and an 'I love you' after she eats dinner (that's full of vegetables and fruits, not just chicken nuggets and pop tarts.)

And February 2nd starts our journey towards that. 

January 16, 2015 gave us a disgnosis and as I always say... That's it. A diagnosis. 

Our three-year old will change the world one day. She changes ours every day. She makes us see life from a different view point and I believe that can be just what some people need. 

The other day someone said to me 'I don't know how you do it.' And the answer is simple: We love her. There was never a question of 'How do we do this?' We do it. Is it always easy? Not in the slightest. Is she worth every bit of it? Without a doubt. 

The question is always raised 'What can I/we do' when talking to others and I touched on that in my last blog a bit about spending time with her and loving her (and my other two children) but I will say this:

You can also hold your own babies tighter. When your 6-year old is driving you crazy asking 'Why' constantly, squeeze him tight, and answer him as best you can. When your 4-year old is begging to read one more bed time story, but wants to read it to you this time, let her. Even if it's the 95th time you've heard it that night. 

I long for the day we hear our sweet baby talking our ear off in the car on a ride to town.

I long for the day when we are 45-minutes past bed time because she wants to read us one more bed time story. 

Our day is coming.

We get our daily dose of toddler conventions from our almost 2-year old.. And we will have our daily dose of preschool conversations from our 3 (almost 4) year old soon. . (for now, we cherish her nightly arm-rubs which is the only way she shows affection right now. We cherish her giggles when we sing a silly Yo-Gabba Gabba song. And we love her cuddles as she sleeps.) 

Thank you once again for letting this be my outlet.. A place for me to share my thoughts, hopes, aggravations, and more.