Right Now...

Today's one of those days where I just need to talk.

 

Talk because my heart aches.

 

Some days, my faith is stronger than others. Some days, I feel like a fighter. And then I have mornings like the morning of January 29, 2015 where my tears fall in to the water I'm washing my dishes in. I try and hide it. I don't want my three-year old to see me upset. Or my one-year old. Or anyone for that matter...

 

For some reason I feel like a lot of people equate crying, struggling with faith, and a broken heart as feeling like my daughter's life is over.

 

It's hard to share the frustrated and broken feelings with others because I always hear the same thing. "She's fine.. it's just an obstacle. She's going to be fine."

 

But sometimes what I want someone to say is:

 

It's alright to be afraid of the future, Alyssa. It's alright to be broken. It's alright to fall apart. It's alright to feel lost a times.. Confused.. Shattered.

 

My tears do not mean that I feel like all is lost in our world..

 

My tears mean that my heart hurts..

 

My heart hurts because of moments where our circumstances reveal the reality of our situation.

 

Last night was tough.

 

I cannot begin to explain how it feels to sit in a room with your family, have your three-year old act in a violent manner... So, you grab her hands and talk to her about how it wasn't kind, and she doesn't even look at you. Doesn't comprehend the words you are saying. Laughs.

 

I'm hurting because sometimes I have moments where fear creeps in. And we can sit here and say that I shouldn't let that happen.. that I have to have faith... but we all have our human side.. and God knows that.

 

 I have moments where I see that I can talk, talk, talk.... but more times than not, she doesn't understand what I am saying.

 

Those moments where I'm writing a blog and I can barely see what I'm typing because the tears don't stop.

 

As a parent, this is the most trying thing... to see a situation where you yourself cannot fix it. I pray. I seek the face of God. We have doctors appointments scheduled, but in this moment, I can't fix it.

 

I can't make my three-year old understand my words. And it tears me to pieces.

 

Today is the day where I talk to God with music blaring as I fold clothes and I cry words in to existence.

 

"God, please hear this Mommy's cry. I plead the blood over my daughter. I pray that she develops comprehension and can understand what I am saying to her. I ask that You heal her little body and mind. I pray for wholeness. Wrap Your arms around her and give peace...."

 

That's all I desire.

 

The future... the unknown..

 

It's something that is hard to turn off from your mind, especially when it's the future of your child you are talking about.

 

I have faith, please don't get me wrong. I trust the Lord, but sometimes I just need to be real. Sometimes I don't want to hear, "She's going to be fine" because sometimes I need to talk about......

 

 right now.

 

Right now, my heart is torn.

Right now, I speak words to my three-year old.. and there's no understanding in her eyes.

Right now, I need to talk.

Right now, I am struggling.

Right now, I am frustrated.

Right now, I am lost.

Right now, I am broken.

 

And all I can do is write.. 

and pray.

I am asking for all of your prayers too. There are reports that snow is headed our way Sunday/Monday and we need God to intervene... If snow does fall, please pray that the roads are in good conditions so we can make it safely to Nationwide. We need this appointment and if we do not make it Monday, they cannot fit us in for 4 weeks. Please just pray for God to take care of the weather and give us a safe trip there. I am so anxious for answers-- we appreciate your thoughts, prayers, support, and love!