I Can Breathe.

We are officially 2 months in to the school year. It's Tayler's 1st year of pre-school. And today was our first parent-teacher conference ever.

When we have meetings with Tayler's teachers like the one we had today, it reaffirms every decision we have ever made for her. I'll admit, I was a nervous wreck walking in to the classroom. Unfortunately, when your child is special needs, most of the time you hear what he/she cannot do. It weighs heavy on a parent when you're bombarded consistently with the fact that your child cannot communicate verbally, has low comprehension skills, does not like spending time with others, etc. 

BUT it was a breath of fresh air in our parent-teacher conference today. The first thing we heard was: We love Tayler so much. *ding, ding* Loving our daughter is the key thing. Loving her ensures that patience will come a little easier. This is why I think there's a special kind of people that become teachers. You have to be packed full of love for kids that are not your own. Kids that will test you every day. Kids that aren't always 'easy' to love. We hit the jackpot with the group of teachers/techs, etc. that work with Tayler every day. 

Next, we heard about how she is developing in her listening skills; how she sits still on the carpet during rest time and plays with toys quietly; how she is making friends; how she knows her alphabet; how she is learning patience. 

We heard what she CAN DO. CAN. Not can't. 

My heart was so full.

But what happened next reassured me that these women are treasures in our life.

One teacher began crying and said, 'God gave us this little girl for a reason and we are grateful for it every day.'

When we were looking at preschool programs for our daughter 6 months ago, this is what we desired and I am so thankful that we found it. It was a long search with some tears, but today made us realize that Tayler is exactly where she's supposed to be. We are exactly where we are supposed to be.

Not only are we in love with the school and staff, but we are also grateful for the tech that has been assigned to her. She goes everywhere with Tayler to ensure that she is safe, following directions, clean, etc. She is one of the most patience, passive people I have met and we are truly blessed to have her caring for our daughter. She is watching videos and learning everything she can about Autism, how to handle it, etc. She is going above and beyond... not because she's paid to... because she loves our daughter. What more could two parents ask for?

Now, I know at the end of the day that we have a ton of progress to make, but to hear that we are making progress when we were told a year ago that Tayler wouldn't retain anymore knowledge means more to us than you'll probably ever know. She won't retain any new knowledge, but she can spell her name, say the alphabet, sing about 25 new songs, open and unlock doors, count to 20. (Hint of sarcasm there, LOL)

I needed today.

So many times I feel so burdened. Tayler is not a burden. But the daily dealings of Autism weigh me down. I just want the best for her. I want her to have the best life she can have with all of the resources possible. I want everyone surrounding her to be believing in her and pushing her. And I feel like we are there.

Today.. I can breathe.

Abandoned.

I know I've been quiet lately, but it's been a pretty low-key Summer. We've spent a lot of time together. Tayler has been in therapy once a week (which she loves.) As soon as we walk in the building, she knows exactly what room to go to now. It's become a great, consistent routine for her.

I recently applied to go back to school for my ABA Certification and I was accepted, so I have slooooowly been working through my first class. It is so much information to take in. Some nights I feel like my head is spinning. Especially with the discussion of positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment, and negative punishment, but I am getting there.. little by little. I just keep telling myself it will be worth it-- especially when I'm able to finally stop doing photography (even though it's my passion) and focus on helping her! I really want to start working with her and applying these new skills, but I feel so burdened down with other things right now. I am ready to have more free time to focus on her...

And in other big news..

We enrolled Tayler in preschool.

And I am a bundle of emotions because of it.

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart walking around outside of your chest?? My kids are each individual heart beats... and do you know how it feels to walk your heart beat to the door and just leave it?

Now, let me be honest, we have an amazing support system. Her teachers, behavior itinerants, etc. are wonderful. They have had nothing but good things to say about the classroom and their routine. They seem positive and upbeat knowing that Tayler is entering their classroom. That isn't the problem. I'm not worried about trust or worried about Tayler's well-being whatsoever.

What I am worried about is how she will do-- plain and simple. Tayler struggles with simple things-- talking, sitting still, following commands, making friends. What happens when she doesn't follow an order? What happens when she has a meltdown? What happens if she refuses to listen? What happens if she doesn't sit still during their class time? What happens when people begin getting frustrated with her? She requires so much patience.

We had a meeting tonight and I just feel a mess after. Everyone is wonderful from the school-- it's my own worries and burdens I can't shake.

I get so angry in these situations.

Not with Tayler.

I get angry with God. And please know that I'm speaking with an open heart here. If you haven't ever been angry with God, I commend you. I'm just raw and honest when it comes with this stuff. I hear my daughter scream through a screening. I watch her struggle to sit still. I watch her get nervous. I watch her obsess over colors. (And note, I'm not saying she's stuck in this 'world' she's in. I'm just saying I am currently observing her actions.) And I get so mad at God. I found myself sitting in the van on the ride home tonight thinking, 'Why? Why on earth would you want a 4-year to struggle? Why would you want to make it hard on her to make friends? Why would you want to make my heart shatter in to a million pieces over and over again? Why would you want to see me cry myself to sleep some nights when I think about the future?"

And I know that there's a reason for everything, but sometimes a mom of a special needs child doesn't need to hear that because quite frankly, it just makes things worse sometimes.

Sometimes I just need to be mad.

It doesn't mean I don't love God. It doesn't mean I don't trust Him.

It just means I'm angry.. frustrated.. and upset with Him.

I'm not a doom-and-gloom person. I hope for the best for Tayler. I pray for it every single day. Every time I look at her. I find myself praying before bed some nights-- 'God, I know I can wake up tomorrow and she's healed...' I know I can. I have that faith. I know He is a miracle worker...

but there's those days I get angry because I think 'why won't He does a miracle for her?'

He knows my heart, so that's why I'm open about this stuff. There's no use hiding my pain.. my sadness.. my frustration. Some days, He knows, I feel abandoned.

Do you know how bad I long to hear 'I love you' from my daughter? Do you know how bad I long to have a conversation with her?

Do you know how much I know He can do it... and it kills me inside that He doesn't?

Everything happens for a reason... all in due time...

but sometimes that doesn't heal this kind of pain.. this kind of hurt.

I love that little girl more than anyone will ever be able to fathom and I will fight until the day I die for her to have a fulfulling life. I will fight through my anger. I will fight with hope. I will fight with faith. I will work my butt off to make sure she knows how much she is loved... how treasured she is.. and I will fight that she always sees her potential.

I love you, sweetheart. I will use every bit of strength I have to fight for you.

And I will keep praying.

And hoping.

And working.

Til He hears.

You Don't Prepare Yourself for That

We have been married for 5 years this year and we have had our fair share of problems and difficult times. I remember times when we would count out change to pay for our gas because Ethan wasn't getting paid for a few more days. I remember weeks where we ate only macaroni cheese and soups because we didn't have the money for a huge grocery bill. I remember having to turn down going out to eat with people because our funds were low. I remember being scared during the labor of our children. I remember Ethan getting hurt on the softball field and being so scared. I remember being on the phone with Ethan, hearing him get in a car accident years ago. We have been through a lot in our 5 years of marriage, but all of those struggles seemed like absolutely nothing yesterday. Now, I am not saying that I lack faith or I believe everything professionals are telling us, but please understand that just hearing words can take your breath away, regardless of whether you have faith or not. Financial struggles, our own medical difficulties.. They all paled in comparison to what a psychologist spoke to us yesterday. We were sitting there, discussing the future of Tayler... And the psychologist spoke the words, 'at the rate Tayler is learning skills, you need to be aware that she will likely need lifelong support. She may have to live with you forever and once you guys aren't able to care for her, it is likely you will have to place her in a group home. I don't foresee a future where Tayler sustains enough skills to live on her own.' (once again, I have faith, but those words are daggers, regardless!) My heart shattered.. And he just kept talking so I was left to pick up the pieces, stop the tears from flowing, and just sit there... Feeling lifeless. Ethan squeezed my hand a few times.. I knew he knew I was struggling. The meeting lasted about 20 more minutes and we left. As we were walking to the car, I realized I couldn't hold the tears back any longer.... They just started pouring. Ethan turned me around to face him and just wrapped his arms around me. I think we stood there for 5 minutes, not saying anything. It was in that moment I realized something. Life is tough. When you choose a lifelong partner.. Someone to build a life with... You know you'll have problems.. They're inevitable. We have had tons. But that moment right there.. You never prepare yourself for that. You never prepare yourself to see your child struggling and you never prepare yourself for your child to be 'special needs.' You never prepare yourself for someone to sit in front of you and discuss nothing but your child's weaknesses. You just don't picture that. But even though we didn't prepare for it, we are here. If you aren't married yet.. And you're trying to picture a life with someone... And you aren't sure if they're the 'one' or not... Vision you and your partner having children.. And a psychologist standing in front of you telling you that your child may never acquire the skills needed to live life on her own.. Do you feel strong next to your partner? Do you feel like you two can overcome this together? Because in that moment last night, I realized this is one of the reasons we get married. Because life is hard sometimes. You get devastating news and predictions... And at those times, sometimes all you need is someone just to hold your hand and say 'Baby, it might not be okay, but I will stand beside of you and our children regardless.' We have had tough times... But nothing compares to last night... And the strength we found in each other. You never prepare yourself for that moment.. But I am so thankful that I have a best friend that will stand beside of me through it.. Hug me.. Let me cry.. Let me yell.. Let me be angry... Tell me we are going to work

Together to show the naysayers what we are made of. Life is tough some days, but if you're lucky, you'll find someone to help you get through it. I married mine 5 years ago and it's comforting that I get to hold his hand forever. 

I Don't Have Time

We recently had an evaluation for our four year old. During this meeting, we were discussing our daughter's future-- school, doctors appointments, Audiology appointments, Optometry appointments, and more. I will not be disclosing where this evaluation took place because the point of this blog is discuss my feelings concerning my child-- not to downgrade a place of employment, one person, a group of people, or a profession.

During this evaluation, a psychologist asked me a question. He said, "What are your concerns for your daughter?" Now, this is a typical question for us during meetings, doctor's appointments, evaluations, and more. But it still stings every single time I answer it.

"What are my concerns? We have little communication with her and little comprehension as well. No matter how many times I see this in her, I ask myself the same questions-- Will she be alright? Will she have friends? Will she go to mainstream school? Will she fall in love? Will she have sleepovers? Will she move out on her own? Will she be happy?"

These thoughts are constant. I think about this every single night. Every single time I watch her sleep. Every single time I look back at her while sitting at a stop light. Every single time she's giggling. Every single time she's throwing a tantrum.

Finishing up my thoughts concerning my concerns for our four-year old, I said, "And last, will we be her caretakers for the rest of her life?"

That one can keep me up all night if I think about it too long.

I'm used to these discussions. I'm used to the doctor, psychologist, pediatrician, geneticist, etc. nodding their head, signaling that they understand my worries. Not this time though. It was different.

The psychologist looked at me straight in the eyes and said, "That's a huge possibility, Mom."

I just sat there, staring. Did he just say what I think he said?

Now please, don't get me wrong. I don't expect doctors to tickle my ears. When they try to beat around the bush about things, I'm usually the one saying, 'Be straight up honest. I can take it." I don't need someone to care about my feelings. I want the truth. I don't expect doctors to speak with an all-knowing voice that 'Yes, your daughter will be in main stream school. Yes, your daughter will have friends." I don't expect someone to be fake...

BUT.

I do expect HOPE.

If you look at my child and you don't see her full potential.... you don't see with hope... you don't see with faith.. I don't want you actively involved in our lives because none of us need that kind of negativity.

Staring at the psychologist, all I could think was--- she's 4. Her life is just beginning. How can you spend 15 minutes with her and judge her immediately? How can the only knowledge you have of her condition  be what we have told you in an hour... And you feel confident enough to say 'That's a huge possibility, Mom?' She's 4. 

I refuse to define her. I refuse to lose hope in my daughter's future because of where she is on the spectrum at 4 years old. I refuse to give up on her and I refuse to listen to negative people that see where she is now, not where she will be in 5 years or 10 years.

I've said it before and I will say it again: 

I am not perfect at this mom thing-- especially this momma of a baby diagnosed with Autism thing. I'm learning. I'm learning about patience and the skills I need to be better. Some days, I struggle. I struggle with fear and regret and uncertainty and a lack of faith. And I'm sorry for that. It's just my human nature coming out. I know I'm not perfect, but I will promise you one thing: you've got me forever. I will fight for you forever. I will be an advocate for you. When the naysayers say things that lack hope for your future, I'll stand up and defend you. I'll be your backbone. I'll be your voice. Baby, you saved my life. And I promise you til my last breath, I will fight to defend yours and give you a life full of promise, hope, and faith. You are my peace. My Serenity. My gift from God. I love you sweet girl.. With every single thing I have in me.

I refuse to keep people in my daughter's life that don't see potential. I refuse to listen to the words 'It is a huge possibility that you will be her care taker for the rest of her life.' I vow to my daughter that I will work hard and try and give her all of the resources I can to help her find independence and live a peaceful, happy life full of hope and faith. I won't give up.. Even when someone things our situation is hopeless. I love you, sweet girl. Daddy and I will always advocate for you because you are worth it. 

I Live in Two Lands

I live in two different lands.

And honestly, both lands are new to me.

I realized this the other day at our now-4-year-old's therapy session. She went back to Speech Therapy and my husband and I sat in the waiting room with our almost-2-year-old and our 5-month old. I'll be honest. I don't know how a 2-year old is 'supposed' to act (I know, I know-- 'normal' is just a setting on a dryer.) But seriously. I don't know what is 'supposed' to be happening. How many words should she know? What should she know mathematically? Should she be able to count higher than 10? Should she know her alphabet? 

So, we were just sitting there having a typical 'conversation' with our 2-year old because she's at the point now where you're pretty much able to do that for the most part. 

A lady was sitting across from us. She had just walked through the door and sent her daughter back with a speech therapist as well. She wasn't there to see our 4-year old walk back with another speech therapist. I'm sure she had no idea why we were sitting in a rehab waiting room. 

As we are sitting there talking to our two-year old, I see her watching in amazement. She says, 'How old is she?' And I say 'She will be '2' in a couple of weeks.' She then said, 'My daughter is almost '2' as well.. And she only says a couple of words. Do you know how lucky you are?'

I just kind of stopped because I've been there. Jealous. Jealous that the child the same age as our oldest daughter was talking up a storm. Embarrassed because I'm not sure if I did something wrong. Scared because someone might talk to her and say, 'Why doesn't she talk?' I've been there. I'm still there. 

But I live in two lands now. 

I live in a land of having one non-verbal child. And I live in a land of having one verbal child. 

And luck has nothing to do with either one.

I'm not 'unlucky' because my 4-year old is non-verbal. And I'm not 'lucky' because my 2-year old is verbal. I have two beautiful children and we are walking down two different paths with both of them. Different is the perfect word for it. 

I looked at the lady in the waiting room.. I knew those eyes. Misty from trying to hold back the tears. Hiding grief. Fear. Frustration. Jealousy. I knew them all too well.

I said, 'I don't know where she picks all of this up at.' And laughed. And then I let her know--- I'm grieving with you.

I then told her this is new territory for us. I explained how our 4-year old is non-verbal and we are working on speech and occupational therapy. She looked at me with a bit of regret. She said, 'I am sorry. I didn't know you were here for another child.' I told her it was fine. I don't get offended easily. 

We left and I sat in the car on the way home thinking about our two lands we live in. And both cause us pain at times. I have pain with our 4-year old because I grieve for what could be. (I am working on it but please know this is new territory for me.) I have pain with our 2-year old because she goes everywhere with us-- rehab, children hospitals. She sits in the waiting room with us.. And with parents who also have 2-year olds that don't say anything at all. And then they look at our 2-year old. And I have empathetic pain for them. For their pain. For their grief.

I live in 2 lands. And I look for the beauty in both. I look for the blessings in both.  And I try to let everyone know I don't consider luck to be a factor in either land.  They're journeys. And we are taking both with as much wisdom and hope as we can. 

Together.

I have my days where I feel helpless, lost, and afraid.

Friday was one of those days. We have moments where I feel as though we are going backwards with our three-year old as opposed to forward. It's difficult because there are constant ups and downs. 

I cried a lot Friday in to Saturday. Some times that's just my way to cope with my feelings. But Saturday morning, I decided I needed to get out of the house, so I loaded all three of my munchkins up in our car and headed in to town to pick up some food and get a fountain vanilla coke. I swear Burger King has the best. 

While driving in I had a huge epiphany. 

I've said over and over again that I feel more anger and frustration than anything most days. I know she is our gift and a blessing, but I can't help but feel angry some days.. Not at anyone in particular. I don't hold a fist up at God and blame Him. It's life-- and I know we all have our fair share of obstacles. But my spirit was just angry because I didn't understand why my baby had to be the one to face this. Why did she have to be the one to struggle to communicate, to make friends. 

I've spent so much time being angry, I couldn't see anything else. 

Everyone knows I've had my struggles with anxiety. There was a time I couldn't even leave the house, but by the love and help of Jesus, I have been able to push past the fear and live a much more fulfilling life.  

Even so, I've still always struggled to do things that everyone else easily does each day. I have to pray and ask God to wrap His arms around me every time I leave the house-- especially when I leave alone (however I didn't leave alone-- before now-- often because I didn't really have to.)

Fast forward to life now-- I leave alone at least 2x a week to take our three-year old to therapy sessions. Once every few months, I drive to take at least one child to the doctor. It wasn't easy for me at first, but over a month in, I feel so much peace in doing things alone. I've even got to the point where I even stop to eat lunch with the kids and run errands-- just us. 

I'm not for one second saying that I'm glad my child was diagnosed with Autism because, although I love every bit of her how she is, I want her to be able to communicate verbally one day. But I am saying that maybe there's a little bit of a silver lining in all of this....

Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her reach her potential... I'm finding mine. Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her find her wings... I'm finding mine. Through taking our three-year old to therapy sessions that are helping her become stronger.. I'm finding strength too.

I think my mom said it best when she said 'You two are growing together..' And I like that. I looked at her in the back seat, smiling out the window, and realized that we are both just finding out way, finding ourself. Together.

Grieving

March 26th will mark one month of therapy sessions for our three- year old. We have been attending one speech therapy session a week and one occupational therapy session a week.

As soon as we get there, our three-year old gets the biggest smile on her face. She jumps around the waiting room. See, she loves people. And she loves when people pay attention to her. So, therapy sessions where everything is one-on-one fits her like a glove.

During her sessions, I sit in the waiting room, right outside of the door to her therapy room. My dad or husband usually goes along with me and we bring our 1 year old and 4 month old to tag along as well. Heck, we call it a family adventure. (Our kids aren't going to know what to do when we go on an actual adventure together haha!) Sitting there allows us to hear all that's going on. We hear the therapist trying to get our three-year old to do something, we hear our three-year old scream 'Yo Gabba Gabba' in a growling voice (for some reason, this is what she screams when she is angry?)... I sometimes cry because I feel bad that she is uncomfortable.. Or scared.. Or frustrated.. Or angry. And some days I hold it together. Our one-year old is typically the protective one, yelling from the waiting room for everyone to leave her sissy alone. 

During these sessions, I have a lot of time to think.. And this week was no different.

You see-- my heart just aches some days. I love our three-year old more than you'll ever comprehend... And that's probably why my heart hurts like it does. 

I hurt some days because I just don't understand how to not be frustrated.... How to not be confused.. How to shut off my brain and feel with my heart. 

Confession time from a mom with a child that was diagnosed with Autism: some days I feel like I can't connect with our three-year old. And it's difficult and challenging. 

Our one-year old (she will be '2' in May) can talk your ear off. She will ask for me to turn on doggie ('Mr. Peabody & Sherman') or no-man ('Frozen') and we will cuddle and talk through the movie. She always points at the same things and says the same things, but it's still a lot of fun. We connect. We spend time together. 

And some days, that hurts. Because  when I try to hang out with our three-year old.. Build Legos or say the alphabet.. She pushes me out of the room or moves her toys to another area. I'll move to where she is and she will push me away. 

I love her. I hope she understands that. And I know she loves me because there are days I get a big smile and a soft rub on my arms. But some days, the pain of not communicating with her verbally.. Not sitting down and watching a new movie with her.. Not hearing her little thoughts.. It runs deep. 

And some days, through her therapy sessions and doctor appointments, I think about it. 

Some will say 'She loves you in her own way' or 'She will speak one day' or 'She has her own way of spending time with you..' And I get that. I do. But that doesn't make the grieving of WANTING to do these things with her any easier. 

So, I sit and write these words with tears rolling down my face because some days, I don't want to hear 'the bright side..' Some days, I just want to cry and have someone hear my fears, my worries, my frustrations, my confusion, my guilt, my heavy chest, my grief, my longing. 

I know she's perfect. I know she's beautiful. She's precious. She has a big heart. She loves smiling. She loves dancing. She loves when people visit. She hates when people leave. I know all of this.. I know she has a future. I know she will live a flourishing life. 

But it doesn't always heal the hurt in my heart. The fear. 

Some days are easier than others.. And then some days, like today, I sit with millions of questions.. Worries.. Wonders.

FIGHT.

GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population. Women are twice as likely to be affected as men.

Panic Disorder affects 6 million people. Or 2.7% of the U.S population.  Women are twice as likely to be affected as men. 

I am one of the 6.8 million adults affected by anxiety.. I am one of the 6 million people affected by panic disorder. 

It all started when I was 13, although it wasn't anything too overwhelming. Just a lot of deep breathing if I had too much idle time on my hands. 

I was actually doing alright coping with the mild anxiety I had all through school. 

Then college hit. They say anxiety can happen due to genetics.. Or traumatic experiences. I am not sure what the root of my struggle was... All I knew is it was real.

It didn't control my life at first.. Only hindered me from doing a few minute things. Then, for some reason, it became life changing. I kept getting worse. Sitting through a college class, I became obsessed with worrying.. 'What happens if I pass out and I'm 20 miles from home? Will they take me to the hospital? How will I get home if I have a panic attack? What if I pass out while I'm driving? What if no one finds me?'

These may seem like weird thoughts to others.. Almost ridiculous, but they consumed me. Fear started ruling my life. 

December 15, 2006 was the last day I drove to Muskingum College. I quit that day. I couldn't handle the classes.. The thoughts.. The drive. 

I thought that was it. If I just avoided that, I would be fine..

Turns out when you give anxiety an inch, it takes a mile.

I gave up on that.. Then I quit my job. That was too much as well. 

Eventually, I just quit leaving the house period. A month passed and I didn't leave once. The fears consumed me. What if I panicked at the store? What if I panicked at a restaurant? What if I passed out? 

I remember sitting in my room one night while the family went shopping and out to dinner. I was crying so hard because I WANTED to be with them. I WANTED a social life. I was so angry with God. I felt like He had left me.. He let me lose everything. I would pray and pray.. And I would just get worse and worse. I didn't understand. 

I read a lot back then.. And that included every single one of Joyce Meyers books. In one book, she talked about how I was letting fear control me.. I wasn't controlling it... And every step I took to recover would make me stronger.

So I took baby steps.

I started going on walks around the neighborhood. I was still close to home if I needed to escape but I was building strength. 

After that, I started going to the store with my parents, then restaurants, then out of town.

It was a slow process. It took me close to 6 months to get to that point, BUT I did it. That was the key! 

My true test came when I met Ethan because I was moving completely out of my comfort zone. I was traveling to another city, alone, to meet someone I barely knew. 

And you know what happened?

I didn't pass out. I didn't die. I didn't panic. I didn't have to go outside to get a breath of fresh air...

I fell in love. 

Can you imagine if I would have let fear continue to control my life? 

Where would I be? What would I have? 

I was lost in this world of anxiety for a long time. I frustrated so many people. I think some might have even lose hope in me. I'm not sure.

But God didn't give up on me and I refused to give up on myself. I refused to keep letting fear steal all of the good in my life. 

I had to get in the mindset that I was the one in control of my own fate. You get one life-- that's it! Do you want to pass away knowing you let something like fear take LIFE away from you??? I was breathing every day. I had life. But I was not LIVING. I was strictly surviving. That's it. 

I am so thankful I get to LIVE now. I'm not perfect and I still have my tough days, but more than anthing, I find myself being grateful. 

Thanks to overcoming anxiety and panic disorder, I have three gorgeous babies. I have a handsome husband.

As I was driving down the road yesterday with my three children in the back seat, I found myself crying, telling God thank You.

With His strength, I now drive 35 minutes to my daughter's speech and occupational therapy appointments. I drive 40 minutes for her evaluations. I have plans to take her to pre school every day. I run to restaurants.. Just the kids and me. We go to the post office. Just us..

I am living life. Finally.

I don't have the control of fear and dread and worry.

I am happy. And at peace.

I say all of this to just give one person hope. If you are struggling with the same thing, please hold on. There are better, beautiful days ahead. FIGHT for them. FIGHT to live! It's okay to admit that you are not okay right now. There's no shame in this and I don't want anyone ever thinking that there is. Everyone has their own battles.. This just happens to be ours.

But you are strong enough to conquer this and live.

Please don't just survive. Thrive. Love. Be with your family. Go out with friends. Try new things. Go to new restaurants. Travel.

This life is beautiful. Our children need us, our significant others need us.. We need us to be strong. 

Links:

http://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

27 Things I've Learned

This won't be my typical blog post, but it's something I want to share.

I am turning '28' in a few days. I know, how the heck did that happen? I swear I was a senior in high school just yesterday and now, here I am, 10 years later. 

It's funny. One day, you're 18 years old and you're thinking, 'This is exactly how I want my life to go...' And next thing you know, you're 28 years old, and you're right where you're supposed to be.

When I was 18, I had four thoughts:

1. Become a teacher

2. Be single for as long as possible

3. Never have children 

4. Own your own condo 

I wanted to be a teacher because I've always felt like that was my 'calling.' I wanted to be single because I carried so much baggage around, I didn't want to 'bring down' another person so to speak. Also, the fact I didn't really want children might have been a deal breaker for some guys. It wasn't because I thought kids were a nuisance or anything.. It was strictly because I had a severe case of medical anxiety and well, no children meant no hospital stays or doctor appointments. The more I could avoid those, the better! And well, I wanted my own condo because in my head, living alone in one of those meant I'd really made it.

Now, I'm 28 years old. And I have four realities: 

1. I'm a stay at home mother. 

2. I've been married for 4 years. 

3. I have three children.

4. I live in a 4-bedroom, 2-bathroom house in a small town in Ohio.

And you know what's even more interesting? I'm the happiest and most content I've ever been. I never knew this was the life that was going to help me find myself but it did. I know who I am, right here, right now. It's not the life I envisioned when I was making a scrapbook of my senior year of high school, but I think my 18-year old self would be proud.

I hope she would be proud mostly because I've learned a few things during my 27th year in this big ol' world. 

1. Having a husband that's your best friend makes difficult moments easier. 

2. Being pregnant during the summer isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

3. Living in a small town is perfect. Little shops, home-town restaurants, kind people. 

4. Birthdays spent sober are even better than birthdays spent drunk. I didn't have a hang over March 7, 2014.

5. Not everyone will be there for you-- even though you're often there for them. That's alright because I heard a quote once that was my mantra for '27' and will be for '28' as well.. 'There are two types of people in this world: the givers and the takers.. And the givers always sleep better.'

6. Hearing a diagnosis of Autism for your three year old daughter will change your life whether you're 20 or 27. You will become a fighter because of it. 

7. You can eat raw brownie mix. Here's the trick: Mix the brownie mix, water, and oil first, take a lick with that spoon (or enjoy three big scoops, whatever), throw said spoon in dishwasher, crack open eggs, pour in, mix. No one ever knows

8. Life is better with a donut and a cup of coffee for breakfast. 

9. It's alright to not get your way from time to time. It breaks you out of your shell and gets you out of your comfort zone.

10. Talking bad about someone else's looks, house, car, job, economic status, etc. Won't make your looks, house, car, job, economic status, etc any better. Burning down your neighbors house doesn't make yours better. 

11. If you do a little housework a day, it saves you from having to do a big housework day! I don't know if it's the three kids thing or what, but I've learned this over the past month and I believe my house and my husband thank me.

12. Uplifting your husband is healthy for you, him, and your relationship. No one is perfect and I am sure your husband has his fair share of 'annoyances' but its worth it every day to uplift him about something! Thank him for working hard.. Thank him when he takes the trash out. Remind him he is your blessing!

13. Take a ton of pictures. No one has ever regretted having too many pictures of family and friends... Only not enough. 

14. The simple life is a good life-- we have just enough but we are not stressed out and my husband isn't having to work two jobs to keep up with our debt. It is a blessing for us!

15. If you forget laundry for a day, it will in fact quadruple by the next day. Alyssa's Law of Laundry.

16. Tape is your best friend. I lose everything. And if I have an appointment, and I need paperwork, I can't find it.. So I've started taping all important paperwork needed within the next month to our fridge. Doesn't always look pretty but I'm organized!

17. You're never too busy-- it's all about priorities. What you value, you will make time for it. 

18. Every parent needs a night away every now and then.. Don't feel guilty for it. 

19. Chipotle is life.

20. You can defy all odds. When Ethan and I got married, I'm sure most didn't think we would last a year.. And this year we will have been together 6 years.. And we aren't simply together.. We are happy. 

21. Your path won't be everyone's and it's important to remember that. What you treasure may be different than what someone else treasures. That doesn't make their decision wrong.. Just different. I'm 27 and I have 3 children. I stay at home full time. I love me and I love my life but I don't believe everyone has to make the same choices as me. 

22. Ignoring things has made me a healthier, happier person! 

23. Friends are all about quality not quantity. My circle is small, but loyal. 

24. Although growing up can be rough for a parent/child relationship, that all changes when you become an adult. My relationship with my parents has never been better and I love seeing them as grandparents. 

25. Some nights, it's okay to just order pizza or some kind of take-out. Don't feel bad. Sometimes you need someone else to cook for you ;)

26. Times can be really tough and life can throw you some curveballs but that doesn't mean Jesus still doesn't love you or have everything in control. Life wasn't meant to be fair or easy. You only learn the value of things when you have to work for them. 27 has been challenging in some parts but I've never doubted His love for my family. 

27. Last, the most important thing I've learned at 27 is that it's okay to love yourself. All of yourself. I use to tuck away my quirkiness or my anxiety but today, I embrace it. I'm a little nerdy, anxious at times. I don't have an indoor voice and I'm as disorganized as they come. I watch the same movie 25x in a row and I enjoy a good book. I'm me.. And I've learned to love that even more this year. 

27 things I've learned in my 27 years.

Not all of the lessons this year have been easy but I have been so blessed.

Our oldest daughter turned '3' between March 6, 2014 and March 6, 2015. Our middle child turned '1.' I gave birth to our third child in October 2014. We moved in to our dream home May 2014. We celebrated 4 years of marriage in December 2014. 

This has been a year of life for us. 

Cheers to 27 (almost 28) years on this gorgeous earth and here's to 28+28 more! 

We're in Holland.

I sat down the other night and looked through pictures of our three-year old. I cried during her newborn pictures because I couldn't believe she was that small, once upon a time. 6lbs 3oz, 20" long, as a matter of fact. She was a mere 5lb 12oz when I brought her home from the hospital. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. We had to stay an extra day at the hospital due to her having jaundice and the weather was absolutely crazy. The day I had her, it was 20* outside and snowing. The day I brought her home from the hospital, it was 50* and hailing.

I teared up as I looked over her first year. I had videos of her crawling and walking. Pictures of her trying baby food for the first time. I even have a video of her saying 'Gigi.' I forgot I had that-- proof that she spoke and repeated words years ago.

When I got to her 1st birthday pictures, all of these feelings started rushing back to me. I feel like that was the moment I knew-- I knew something was.. different. I wouldn't admit it then, but looking back now, I had that pit in the bottom of my stomach. She cried the entire time we had her birthday party. 11am-12:30pm. I wrote it off as she was just tired or she was just a baby, but, she was miserable the entire time the 80+ people were in the room.

She eventually fell asleep and woke up an hour later.. after most of the people had left. There were about 15 people sitting around, waiting for her to do her smash cake and she was fine... peaceful. We all kept saying 'The nap did her well...' but even then, I just felt 'off.'

For her 2nd birthday, she melted down as well. Once again, we said, 'It's 1PM.. time for her to sleep' and she did. She slept through her birthday party yet again. Maybe it was some kind of coping mechanism for her? I'm not sure.

But I feel like, looking back, even in those moments so early on...  I knew.

And here we are, almost 4 years later.

4 years since she came in to this world and was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen ( only until her gorgeous sister  was born almost exactly 2 years later.)

I read a poem the other day that someone shared with me called 'Holland.' If you've never read it before, HERE is a link. It's definitely worth the read-- makes you think. So many people say, 'I don't know how you do it' or 'How do you handle all of this' or 'Was this diagnosis hard for you to hear'... And I never really knew what to say. Then I read this and it all made sense.

In this poem, the author writes:

"... everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

This sums it up.

It's been a month and a half since we heard the words that our three-year old is on the Autism Spectrum, but in reality, we have known deep down much longer.

However, since hearing the words, my processing has been different. Where once I looked at my 3-year old, and as terrible as this sounds, I 'analyzed' her.... things are much different now that we have seen a doctor and heard the words.. choked them down.. out loud.

As I always say, when I write all of this... I'm not saying we have accepted defeat or that our world is over. I'm just explaining how my feelings are in this process...

Now, I find myself in a constant battle between feeling a sense of pain when I see a 3 almost 4-year old carrying on an entire conversation with their parent or a stranger and feeling hope that that will be my three-year old one day. I'm in a constant battle between feeling bad that I wish my three-year old could communicate with me and feeling happy that my three-year old is healthy and safe. I'm in a constant battle between not understanding why she has to go through these obstacles to do every-day tasks and feeling strong enough to overcome them.

My mind is in a constant battle and some days I don't know whether to cry, be brave, write a happy blog, or write a blog that displays my raw feelings.

I find myself swimming in this sea of anger... faith... fear... determination...

How is that possible? That I could have faith and be angry all at the same time.

I was raised in church, so trust me when I say, I know His Word like the back of my hand. I know that we aren't supposed to question God and that all things work for good to those that love Him. I know He has everything in His hands and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. I know that He designs us from the womb and we are crafted perfectly in His hands... I don't doubt any of that and I still believe every word with all of my might.

However... my human side... the side we all display, comes out. Jesus even got angry.

My human side. The side I try to hide from every one.. it shows at times and I find myself crying and feeling upset... hurt.. lost... mad even.

My daughter will go on to live a thriving life because we have such an amazing support system and she is a driven three-year old. HOWEVER, I still look at our situation right now and wonder 'What will 10 years from now look like? Will she talk? Will she comprehend what people say? Will she be able to go to the bathroom on her own? Will she be able to write? Will she be able to use a fork and a spoon? Will she go to school and have friends?' The faith in me screams: YES. Yes she will do all of these things!! But my heart, at times, fails me and I cry inside thinking 'What if she doesn't.?'

When I gave birth to her almost 4 years ago, this thought never even entered my mind. That I would have a child that cannot communicate with speech. That I would have a child that doesn't look me in the eyes or understand simple commands. A child that doesn't yell 'Bye Mommy, I love you' when I walk out the door or welcome me with a hug when I walk through the door.

When you have a baby, you never picture that. You picture them learning new words, having new milestones, potty training, starting kindergarten... all of it working together, flawlessly.

Then life throws you a curve ball and you find yourself going to meeting after meeting to set your child up in a special education preschool... and you're running to speech therapy appointments.. and occupational therapy appointments.. and sometimes driving there, things weigh on you, and you say in your heart, 'I didn't picture it being like this.'

No, I didn't picture this-- I pictured Italy, if we are being honest. I didn't picture Holland once. But, we are in Holland now.... and it's a different world than what I had imagined, but our bags are packed.. and we are ready for the trip.

This might not be what I pictured, but it doesn't change the depths of my love for her or my determination to do whatever I have to for her to flourish in every possible way. I see how smart she is in the little things she does-- the progress we make. She has more persistence than some adults. I knew that the moment she was born...

... We just have a different path to take, a different journey. Not a less beautiful journey. Just different.

Update On Our Journey

Today we had an evaluation for our local school system to determine whether our three-year old *needs* to be in a special education pre school class.

When we left Nationwide Children's Hospital February 2nd, our daughter's psychologist gave us a list of things we needed to work on between then and her next evaluation at Children's Hospital... One of them was to get her enrolled in a preschool program. 

We have been working hard at home with exercises he gave us to work on, but we know in our hearts, greater intervention is needed. 

A sweet lady came to visit today and observed our three-year old doing her every-day activities. She watched how she played with toys and how she interacted with her siblings. It is critical at every stage in our journey.. As we meet new people and deal with new schools, hospitals, etc. that they evaluate our daughter for their own records. We have learned that much since beginning this journey almost 2 months ago. 

We had a wonderful visit and we learned a lot about the special education programs in and out of our school district. We will know more in a few weeks after our follow up appointment but I feel so excited that we are making progress... All for our daughter. 

I don't doubt that she will do great things with her life. I know she will. She has the determination and the knowledge, but one thing I know is that we all need help teaching her how to harness her abilities and use them. We know she needs the capability to communicate her thoughts and needs. It is our deepest desire that she lives a flourishing life... That she thrives in every aspect. We want her to shine her light in whatever way she desires but we want to make sure she has all of the resources at her fingertips to do this. 

This is why I am so grateful for programs like the ones we learned about today. I am thankful for people who have the patience and skills to spend time with those on the spectrum and teach them things that they are struggling to currently learn. It blesses my heart. 

Our three- year old (and our one-year old and our 4-month old) are our most prized possessions. They mean everything to us. They are the reason we push ourselves. We want them to have the very best-- and for our three year old, this means that we have to be advocates for her. She doesn't know how to use her voice to communicate her needs right now... So we will be that for her. 

This is why we ask so many questions.. Why we go to so many meetings... Why I keep everyone updated and share our story so often. We are her voice.. We are her advocates. We want to give her the world... And we know right now, it requires work, time, and effort. And we will do every bit of that for her. She brightens up a room with her smile and her laugh. She deserves everything we can give her.. And we vow to always do that. 

I am looking forward to our follow-up appointment. I will try and keep everyone updated as we know more. I love you all and I appreciate you sharing in our journey with us <3

Please Think.

I'm a mother of a child with Autism and while I haven't been on this journey as long as others, I can already tell you certain things unnerve me to my core.

I try to be compassionate, caring, and bite my tongue, but unfortunately, my heart breaks at times and the only thing I can do to help heal it is get some words off of my chest. 

I am not claiming that individuals in this world are acting out of malice or hatred.. I think it's more of a lack of not thinking before speaking.

Hearing the doctor speak the words 'Your child is on the Autism spectrum' is a difficult thing to choke down, especially initially, even if you have already noticed certain signs..

Love, support, and kindness.. All of that works together to help our family push forward and do what is best for our child.. Even when we are struggling emotionally with the situation. 

What doesn't help? 

Reading article after article that individuals send us or share about how vaccinations cause Autism. Let me humor all of you for about a minute and let's say 'Sure, Vaccinations cause Autism' (even though the 'doctor' that made these claims in 1998 has been stripped of his medical license for making assumptions and causing panic)... Why on earth would you share this kind of information with a parent that is struggling emotionally at the time anyways? We received a great deal of information at our first evalution.. One of those packets pertained to vaccinations, so I assure you.. Our child's doctors and psychologists are doing their job informing us. 

As if we are not already dealing with enough emotions and feelings during this process, why not add guilt to the mixture? As if we already don't have enough on our plate, how about you add your 'here's something you haven't thought of, but I know all about it' to it too.

I rarely post blogs in this nature. Usually they are faith-filled and encouraging, but sometimes even the momma that thinks she's a tiny bit strong gets frustrated. 

This isn't a blog to debate vaccinations because, quite frankly, to each his own. I don't share my opinion on the matter and I would prefer if others didn't share theirs with me as well :) The purpose of this blog is to share one thought: Please be mindful of the things you share with us and the words you speak. You can build someone up with your words (written and spoken) and you can tear someone down. When someone is going through a difficult time, please choose words of life and encouragement.... Not words of shame, guilt, and haughtiness. 

We receive a great deal of information.. From many sources.. Many studies.. Many thoughts from doctors, psychologist, neurologists, and more. They are helping us navigate this new journey. We receive support, love, and kindness from our friends and family. They are also helping us navigate this new journey. 

I say all of this to say... Please think before speaking.

Once again, I am not saying we choose not to be informed or that we are blind to the discussions in the world today. I am strictly saying that this is a difficult time for all of us right now and words of encouragement, love, support, and empowerment will go a lot further than words spoken out of passive-aggressiveness or Internet research. 

I love all of you and I appreciate your prayers so much. I wouldn't feel half as strong as I do today without all of you and I am sure our three-year old wouldn't be doing as amazing as she is with our 'exercises' without the prayers of good people.

I hope you all have an amazing week!

God bless! 

Sensitivity

*Disclaimer: through this blog, I am not claiming that my child sees spirits or that all children on the spectrum (or off the spectrum for that matter) see spirits. This was just an experience we had with our three-year old daughter.

We recently visited a local restaurant in our hometown. While there, a waiter approached our table and the closer he got, our three-year old began putting her hands on her ears, screaming, and burying her face in to her neck. She was crying horribly, so my husband had to pick her up and stand across the room until he was done. 

This isn't a normal situation for us. During our discussion with the psychologist at our daughter's evaluation, he asked how she is in public because some children on the spectrum have a difficult time in stores, restaurants, etc. This isn't an obstacle for us-- our daughter typically does wonderful wherever we go. 

We were kind of shocked to be honest. It was completely out of character. After he was done, she came back to the table, ate her meal, and she was content. However, if she saw him coming near again, she started losing control once again.

This was a few weeks ago.

We have been to numerous restaurants since then and she hasn't acted this way again. Waiter after waitress after waiter has approached our table and she's sat still, smiled, sang. Acted like herself.

Fast forward to this week. We visited a restaurant this week (different from the one mentioned previously) and the same thing happened. A waiter walked over to our table and she began to cover her ears, cry, scream. She was shaking uncontrollably. I started getting nervous... What if she panicked. We tried to reassure her that she was fine. We were right there, but she didn't take her eyes off of him and if he got close to our table, she began crying and covering her ears again. Other people approached our table with food and drinks.. She was fine. But this one waiter was causing her to be extremely fearful.

We eventually had to get to-go boxes and leave. She just couldn't handle the situation and it broke my heart that I couldn't calm her down.

 

I took her out to the lobby area and as soon as we reached the doors, she stopped. She started laughing and dancing. She was back to herself again. I was standing in entry way and from where I was standing, I could see the front desk area. I saw Ethan pay the bill and I saw the waiter from our table walk up front to the pay the bill. The closer he got to the front desk (which was right beside of the lobby) the more tayler began to get restless. She covered her ears, dropped to the floor, started screaming, and saying 'No no no no!' I grabbed her and hugged her. I was in shock because I could see him, but she was too little to even see over the window. There's no way she knew he was nearby-- she was strictly going by feeling.

As he walked over to the table, she started calming down. And then he walked to the back of the restaurant, and she was perfectly fine again. Ethan came out with the other two children and we left. 

The entire trip home she was singing and laughing. She was our three-year old again.. Carefree and happy.

I know many claim children can 'see' spirits, ghosts, etc. I didn't know they could see 'bad' things though.. And that's what it seemed like.

It has me wondering if she's sensitive to things like this. It broke my heart because I've never seen her scared like she was that day (or the first day this happened.)

I wrote this blog mostly for my own memories.. A journal of our experiences with our three-year old. The good, the tough, the interesting. 

Confessions.

I have a confession.

We went through question after question Monday morning concerning the development of our three-year old. 

We discussed the M-CHAT (Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers.) If you haven't looked in to this, it's a great tool for parents to check-up on their children. 

On the M-CHAT, you will see questions like: 

If you point at something across the room, does your child look at it? 

Does your child play pretend or make believe? 

Does your child point with one finger when asking for something?

Does your child point with one finger when showing you something interesting? 

Is your child interested in other children? 

Does your child respond when their name is called? 

Does your child smile when you smile (reciprocate feelings?)

Does your child look at you in your eyes when you we talking to them? 

Does your child copy what you do? 

And with every question, I answered 'no' about our three-year old. It was difficult to do because the more questions are asked, the more reality sets in... 

My confession, however is this...

With every 'no' answer I gave for our three-year old, inside I was screaming 'yes' for our 1-year old. 

Yes, she responds to her name. Yes, she plays make-believe. Yes, she makes eye contact. Yes, she points to things. 

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Is it bad that I was sad and relieved at the same time? 

Sad because I know my three-year old has a journey ahead of her to get where she will want to go. Sad because I can't communicate verbally with my three-year old. Sad because I see embarrassment and frustration in her eyes right now.

But relieved because I see my almost 2-year old talking.. Pretending... Fake answering phone calls.. Mimicking facial expressions.

Please do not get me wrong with this blog-- I'm not trying to compare my children. I'm not saying my three-year old is less. And I'm not saying that Autism will control my three-year for the rest of her life. I wouldn't be angry if my one-year old were diagnosed. BUT my heart would hurt because I see the pain on my sweet girl at times and I don't want any of my other children to go through that. 

My confession is simple.

I watch my children like hawks. I feel like I'm constantly analyzing their behaviors. If my 3-month old won't make eye contact with me for a second or will not follow a toy, I start praying.. I start making even more eye contact with him. 

And then I go through guilt.

Autism doesn't have a period at the end of it because that isn't the end of thought... The sentence. Autism doesn't control my life nor will it control our three-year old's...

But I still find myself struggling with fear.. Anxiousness.. For my other two.

Our three-year old is nothing short of amazing. Smart. Beautiful. Kind. Passionate. Driven. But I also see her overwhelmed with nervousness, loud noises, frustration, embarrassment, and a sense of being lost at times because she doesn't understand things.

Her life isn't over. I don't think this will hold her back..

But the human side of me can't help but obsess over our two younger children. Is this normal? Probably. Who I am to say. What I do know is that it's real for me... For my heart. 

I love my children more than anything. I want the best for all three of them. And I pray that God blesses all three of them in His way. 

Finding Our Way

I was a bundle of nerves leaving the house Monday morning. My husband, our three-year old, and myself woke up at 5:30am to leave by 6:30am. We had a long drive ahead of us and we had to be there by 8am. 

The entire drive, our three-year old slept and my husband kept rubbing my hands. I was nervous.. Anxious.. Excited. Nervous because I had no idea what to expect. Anxious because I was scared they were going to take her in to a room without us. Excited because I felt like we were finally going to have answers.

My hands were sweating. I was hot. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I just kept saying 'Peace of God, be with all of us' the entire way. Every sign we passed caused my nerves to escalate even more. 'New Albany,' 'Newark.'

When we arrived, I had a million emotions swirling through my heart and my mind. As we were sitting in the waiting room, my heart started to sink as time passed. I filled out papers while my husband watched our three-year old. There were about 6 other families there all with children who have been diagnosed with Autism. And you know what? All of those kids were talking. They were listening. They were sitting by their parents.

And my heart felt like someone stabbed it. I felt like someone took the very breath from my body.

I became overwhelmed with pain.. Sadness.. Fear.. Anger. I know, I know.. You aren't supposed to be angry at God. But I'm just putting it on the table-- there's no use in hiding it. He sees my heart anyways and lying would only make it worse. He knows the truth.

I was angry because it was then I realized 'Maybe we don't have a handle on this.' I know you aren't supposed to compare. You're supposed to have faith.. Determination. But when I saw her spinning around the room... Melting down because they put an arm band on her (which they took off about 2 minutes later and gave her a name tag instead, thank God lol) I realized.. Maybe she's further behind than I thought?

It killed me inside!

My husband kept holding my hand, squeezing it. He would say 'I know it's hard. I know sweetie.' Thank God he was with me because I swear in those moments, he was the only thing holding me together.

Why was I so emotional? I always say I know that an Autism diagnosis doesn't mean my three-year old's life is over. It's not. I'm emotional because I see the development of other three and four year olds and reality sets in for me. They asked a question yesterday 'Where do you think your child is at developmentally?' And do you know how hard it was to think of your 21-month old daughter and think 'My three-year is not even to that point yet?' 

They called us back and we met an amazing psychologist. I know 'amazing' is a pretty vague term, but I can't think of any other way to describe him. 

As soon as we walked in his room, he led tayler to the toys and he got right on her level. I could have cried seeing the big smile on her face. She felt safe. That was relieving.

We sat and talked for awhile. He asked numerous questions, he gave advice... I walked away feeling like I had learned so much and we only sat with him for a little over an hour. I'm sure he has been doing this a long time, but I was amazed at how well he knew Tayler.. And we had only been there for an hour. It was like he knew her all her life.

She spent the majority of time lining up the animals he had there.. And the alphabet magnets he had on his filing cabinet. We told him that's her fixation-- numbers and letters. Just a few days ago, she made a sequence of 13 numbers, not in numerical order. She would then mix them up, move them to the next room, and put them in the exact sequence again. I was impressed considering I can't even remember a phone number when someone tells me.

As we were finishing up our meeting, he shut his laptop, looked right in our eyes, and said 'We look for three things when [officially] diagnosing someone with Autism.' (Her pediatrician confirmed the signs in January, but we needed a psychologist to diagnosis and give us the tools to help her.) He then proceeded to say that she was showing all signs, so we would officially be coming back for a more in-depth evaluation. 

Once again, I felt relief and pain.

I already knew this. Why was I still crying hearing the words?

The psychologist sat and talked to us for quite awhile about what this means for us.. For Tayler. He gave us three things to work on over the next few weeks and he got is set up with speech therapy which I am over the moon about. I am anxious for the day I hear 'I love you' from my sweet girl!

We are working on eye contact over the next few weeks which is interesting to say the least.. 

Leaving Nationwide yesterday morning felt amazing. I finally feel like we have the keys (not even all of them) to helping her! I can't imagine how we are going to feel a year from now because I already feel as though we are making progress. 

And I also realized that the Autism Spectrum is a spectrum for a reason. 'When you meet one child with autism, you have met one child with autism.' All of them are different, including my girl. She isn't behind. She isn't less. She's herself. That's it. 

We have such an amazing support system for our family as well as Tayler. People that love her and want the best for her. My husband has been so patient with her, working on everything the psychologist told us yesterday. Watching him play with her, attempt to make eye contact with her... It makes me fall in love with him all over. I cried before going in to the appointment because I got text message after text message from sweet friends. My mom called me asking for all of the information her and my dad could have to help them understand the depths of Autism and how they can help... As I said, the support is amazing. I couldn't ask for a better family or friends.

Thank you all for sharing in our family's obstacles and triumphs. We love all of you. And as always, thank you for letting me share my heart.

I feel like we are finally headed in the right direction. I'm not naive enough to believe we won't have tough days, but I am thankful that we finally have a plan of action.. And lots of knowledgeable people on our side!

God is good, that's all I can say. I might get angry at times... Question certain things, but at the end of the day, I know He has our best interest at heart and He is holding our family in His hands. 

Please just keep all of us in your prayers over the next few weeks. We have a lot of things we have to work on.. Some things we have to change.. Before her 2-day evaluation in March. And we will probably need even more prayers for that. 

We still receive messages saying 'if there's anything I can do, please let us know..' And I touched on this in previous blogs-- all we ask right now is that you love on Tayler (and our 1 year old and our 3-month old.) Spend time with her. Play with her. Talk to her. She might not be able to talk back, but she can listen. LOVE her. BE THERE for her. SPEND TIME with her. Let her know you care. She needs all the support she can right now because she is going to have some uncomfortable changes in her future that push her outside her comfort zone.. And ours as well. 

We appreciate all of you!